Me: When did my resume learn to talk?
Woohoo, i got a yob! :D
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Certified Hotel Manager.
I guess I wasn't much of a police detective.
“Well, the movie ended, so...”
“Can you take me? Hire!”
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
They always get confused so I have to explain
"look: I'm a Teller, not a listener"
If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, “Oh my goodness! You’re so experienced! You’re hired, and you can name your salary!”
The interviewee paused for a moment and said “Thank you. I’d like to call mine Dennis.”
- Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
- Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
- Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.
[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition
This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.
The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.
The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.
I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"
(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)
Because his resume said he was a web designer.
I told them I Excelled in the Office and had a positive Outlook on life. I also try to be an Explorer of new ideas, and always keep my Word.
The following conversation ensued.
Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call.
Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning.
Receptionist: Who?
Me: In the morning.
Receptionist: I don't know who that is.
Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him "in the morning."
Receptionist: Giggle groan. That's a new one. Let me put you through.
Me: Thank you.
......
Recruiter: Hello this is ________.
Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me)
Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume.
....... Later
Me: Thanks in the morning.
Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that.
Me: Your email said to call you "in the morning."
Recruiter: Groans
I can't wait to put E.I.E.I.O. on my resume!
I think my resume speaks for itself
Dad: Yikes, so now I understand your ... aroma. Can you resume washing your hair at least?
16-year old Daughter: I can't. I'm dreading my hair.
Dad: That makes two of us!
Recently, we had a hostile power takeover. A new mod got power hungry and went on a nice little editing spree.
Pics of carnage: Here
He/she has been banned from the subreddit, and submissions are back to normal.
I somehow ended up as the lackey here, and I've never been a subreddit mod before, so bear with me. I've put things back to their defaults, so submissions can resume normally.
##Tl;dr guy goes on power trip, he's gone, things back to normal, I have no clue what I'm doing.
They keep canceling the interview.
A quaint little men's class,
a few with class,
some smelling of a gin glass,
some with eyes of a lass,
the remainder eyeing a lad,
but all glad,
and all present,
youngster of the present,
bearders of the crescent,
readers new testaments,
preachers of old testaments,
bearers of saffron tenets,
wearers of white tints,
weird lovers of croissant,
well, all here, will all hear?
we never know,
lets look at the show
The English teacher, said,
"how to drink a juice?"
i know, said bart the bartender,
"with vodka and chicken tender"
the weirded beardo now angry,
showed he was a shouter,
wanted to be a bart-ender,
while shushing the crowd,
use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,
"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,
"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,
"no sir" said the voice,
I'm extra maker,
spoke the voice quicker,
Mr.White scratching head,
"I'm an ex-straw maker",
the air cleared.
Proceeding further, Teacher continued,
the class was listening, eyes glued,
"etiquette is important" he said,
"wear napkin before eating",
their faces changed,
pulse now beating,
Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",
an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,
"if you bleed, education you don't need"
the English sir, now a sundered bloke,
calmed the masked fish market,
as his God's fate chisel hammered,
"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,
a brief silence, and too many whispers later
"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,
"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,
with damage now done, Silence resumed.
>ThePundits
Be sure to put in your resume that you used to voice act on Sesame street, that way no mater what you are applying for you were an ex Bert.
It's called Resume Writing
This is fairly long.
My adult son is autistic, him and a friend are going to Naka-Kon this year as they both enjoy Anime.
The wife and I were talking to our son about it.
Wife: Are you going to wear a costume?
Son: No, we are just going to go and check everything out.
Me: You should wear a koala bear suit and take your resume with you.
Son: Why would I do that?
Me: So you can hand the resumes out to hawt chicks and show them how Koalafied you are.
Son and I burst out laughing, wife looks on at the two idiots in the room.
Good times.
Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.
.
(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?
My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.
He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"
I like to think he slept on the couch that night.
.
(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.
An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.
"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"
My dad thinks on it for a second.
"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
He got the job immediately.
(For those needing the reference)
.
Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!
My wife and I were coming home from the grocery store when we passed a funeral procession coming from the opposite direction. The hearse was just hit by another car at the intersection, to which I said, "Boy, talk about DOA!"
Groans were had and I'll be resuming my shuttling duties shortly, ferrying souls to hell with me.
After stopping for fuel and snacks at a little service station we resume travel. My friend got a bag of little crackers and chips mixed together. He offers me some and feeling snackish, "okay yeah I guess maybe I'll have a bit" he replies very quickly "you can have a bite too" at which point I realize it's a bag of bit and bites. Damn it.
(...telemarketing lady asking for my info)
her: Sir, can I have your surname please?
me: Of course, but madam, can I have your madam-name first?
She goes silent for a few seconds and resumes to her protocol while in her voice, I could feel her rolling her eyes and nodding her head in disbelief.
An ice fisherman hauls his gear across the ice to his fishing spot. He puts his gear down and begins to cut his hole into the ice. A few seconds after he begins, he is startled by a booming, ominous voice;
"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."
He shrugs it off and decides he is clearly hearing things, so he resumes cutting his hole into the ice. A few seconds later, again;
"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."
Clearly he isn't hearing things and begins to feel a bit scared. He still needs to feed his family however, and so resumes his cutting. A third time he hears the voice;
"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."
This time he puts down his saw, looks to the sky and asks, "God? Is that you?"
"THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER. DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE!"
Me: "Thanks. I really need this yob"
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
Interviewer: How do you explain the for year gap in your resume?
Me : I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That's great. You're selected.
Me: Thanks I really needed this yob.
