That's how eye roll
They are all laughtose intolerant.
Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat
What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?
Whose dean’s he?
A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:
“Ab rack and dab rack”
What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?
Slight of hand
The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:
“Pick a card, any card”
The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:
In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.
Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.
You could say /r/dadjokes a lot.
He’s come full circle, he’s a pun crocker.
I just found out 15 years later he always thought of them as “Ascents of Humor” AND I AM SO INCREDIBLY PRISSED (proud/pissed) THAT HIS BEST WORK WENT UNSHARED WITH ME FOR SO LONG!
They meme more to me
Do you need a pun? Just ask!
I can do puns with just one subject, puns that connect two subjects, pun pickup lines, and pun-chlines for jokes of the form "____ walks into a bar."
Just comment on this post with the subject you need a pun on, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Help wanted from r/puns!
I am planning to make my girlfriend a picture calendar for 2015 of some dog/ cat based puns of famous dictators. I'm running short of ideas, and so am turning to Reddit, given their penchant for all things pets and puns.
My ideas so far:
Adolf Kitler
Chairman miaow
Kitty Amin
Ho chi(huahua) Min
Robert Pugabi
Colonel Catdafi
Saddam Hussaint Bernard
Benito Pussolini
Fidel Catstro
I'm looking to Reddit's collective pun power to generate some more ideas. Help me punslingers!
Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
..they make me feel even number.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I’ll let you know.
Hailing Taxis
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
A Storm Trooper!
Yeah, and only a fraction of you will find this funny.
That's what I do when I'm Russian
They are laughtose intolerant.
