an interesting title
π︎ 5k
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︎ Feb 11 2021
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 31 2021
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 14 2021
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why canβt you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
π︎ 14k
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︎ Jan 05 2021
What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
π︎ 15k
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing
Just incase I get a hole in one.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Dec 09 2020
An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there
"For excessive drinking" the officer replies
So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"
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︎ Feb 23 2021
It's an engineering dysfunction.
π︎ 165
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︎ Feb 18 2021
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 21 2020
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I'm putting together a book of tried and true recipes, none of which will include thyme as an ingredient.
>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.
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︎ Feb 22 2021
Wanna build an ark?
π︎ 99
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will "punch" a fish for no reason other than spite
That's called Toxic Molluskulinity.
π︎ 552
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︎ Jan 30 2021
So I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
π︎ 180
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︎ Feb 14 2021
What starts with an βOβ and ends with βnionsβ and sometimes make you cry?
π︎ 122
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︎ Feb 14 2021
What do you call an alligator attorney?
π︎ 31
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︎ Mar 01 2021
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds.
I put it on, expecting relaxing ambient sounds like cicadas and such, but all I got was a droning buzz. That's when I realized that I was playing the bee side.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
Never fart in an apple store
π︎ 322
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︎ Feb 07 2021
If two vegans get into an argument
Is it still considered beef?
π︎ 62
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︎ Feb 13 2021
What do you call an explosive horse ?
π︎ 33
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Our son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
π︎ 79
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︎ Feb 14 2021
Despite being an electrical engineer, my son couldn't fix the circuit
π︎ 47
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︎ Feb 11 2021
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris
There's nothing left but de brie
π︎ 28
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︎ Mar 02 2021
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer today.
π︎ 25
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︎ Feb 19 2021
What's the opposite of an assassin?
π︎ 46
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︎ Feb 21 2021
I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of orange soda. Then I woke up..
..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 125
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︎ Feb 15 2021
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahβs Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
π︎ 25
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︎ Feb 27 2021
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
π︎ 63
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︎ Feb 21 2021
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Nov 19 2020
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!
There's a small medium at large.
π︎ 14
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Still better than an Immature Evacuation
π︎ 26
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︎ Feb 24 2021
When my wife and I started dating, I took her on a date that cost an arm and a leg.
I guess you could say I went out on a limb for her.
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 25 2021
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.
π︎ 43
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︎ Feb 16 2021
How does an Israeli make his coffee?
π︎ 34
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︎ Feb 13 2021
When you want to throw things at French politicians, an egg is un Εuf
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Why is βbeefstewβ an unsafe password to use?
Because itβs not Stroganoff.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Nov 07 2020
In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Elon Musk and Bill Gates teamed up and created an erectile dysfunction pill.
π︎ 56
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︎ Feb 13 2021
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
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︎ Jan 31 2021
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
What does an egg tell another egg
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 18 2021
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 27 2021
Why would a Proctologist use 2 fingers during an exam?
π︎ 30
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︎ Feb 24 2021
An intents one
π︎ 46
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︎ Jan 25 2021
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 23 2021
Jeff, an Oxford comma, and a semicolon walk into a bar.
They both had a great time.
π︎ 92
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 27 2021
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