An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant … dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, DEAD ANNNNT!
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash
Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Exactly. Because they're damn good at it!
A woman walks into a bar. “I’ll have an entendre,” she says to the bartender. “Make it a double.”
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
what do you call an american bee?
An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...
He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
Gimme some sweet karma for an account I'll never use again
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
What do you call an Italian genie?
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
I've just won an award for being the most secretive person of the year.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
What do you call a housekeeper who is an anti-vaxxer?
I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing
Just incase I get a hole in one.
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
What sound does an aircraft make when it hits the ground?
What do you call an iPhone's battery?
Don’t make an origami belt.
I’ll never date an apostrophe again!
The last one was too possessive.
Jesus Christ is an expert at CrossFit
Two artists had an art contest.
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
I have a joke about an egg.
I came up with the top ten reasons you shouldn't pee on an electric fence...
What part of an airplane smells the most?
The nose.
*Credit to my 6 year-old for coming up with this one!
If you have two heads, that's both an odd and even number
Did you hear about the farmer that won an award
He was outstanding in his field.
What do you get if you cross an Elephant and a Rhinoceros
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
I got into an argument with my video game character
He said I was too controlling.
I went to an Indian restaurant for some garlic bread
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