A punny take on the coronavirus situation using movies/tv series as puns
So do you call person who's really good in pun as pun master?
Or a pundit? I think I spun it incorrectly.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
Request: going into business as a wedding celebrant, looking for business name suggestions that are punny and memorable
While watching Harry Potter once, I said to my Dad “I wonder what the Hogwarts version of a dirty magazine would be” as Harry was rooting through his chest of things.
Without skipping a beat he said “Whorelocks.”
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Why aren't koalas classified as bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications!
My friends daily morning torture, as delivered by yours truly
As a family we couldn't decide whether to have our grandma buried or cremated ...
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
As summer approaches, it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after giving my first lesson.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
My career as a street fighter didn't last very long.
I broke my hand punching a curb.
Not sure if this qualifies as dad joke, but anyways here I go: I had to strongly disagree with a friend who accused me of being a severe fence-sitter
Then again, I get where he’s coming from.
I was really scared when I started as a pilot. I looked down nervously and said: "What are all these buttons for?"
The co-pilot said: "They keep your shirt closed."
What did the boy say as he accidentally fell down the slide?
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
As one of the biggest fruit farmers in the country, I owe all of my success to my dear dad. I grew up as a kid who was scared of everything, and my dad always told me to
As a kid I could walk into a store with a dollar and come out with 2 candy bars and a bag of chips
And now they have cameras.
Giving Sub Zero the Mr Freeze quotes makes him not just the coolest of freezy puns, but the frozen one as well.
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
As a child, I was supposed to walk the plank
We couldn't afford a dog.
My dad didn't love me as a child, but I don't blame him.
I wasn't born until he was an adult.
What kind of ailment is having a gluten allergy known as?
Being Lack-Toast intolerant
Bill Gates: Hey Melinda, can I keep the MS Office as part of the divorce settlement?
Melinda Gates: Bill, ...you have my Word.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I sexually identify as chocolate
Last Halloween a girl dressed as the grim reaper came to my door with messy hair and asked me politely to fix it.
That night, I had a brush with death.
I left my job as the restaurant manager after 3 years...
.. at that point I was beyond Karen.
I hated my job as a bowling alley union rep
They were always having strikes
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
MY PARENTS RAISED ME AS AN ONLY CHILD
THIS REALLY ANNOYED MY YOUNGER SISTER.
My friend who grew up as an orphan officially became a priest yesterday.
I once used Laughing Gas as a deodorant.
Smelt funny the whole day.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
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