[Meta] Don't half ass a pun, Go in puns blazing (resubmit)
So do you call person who's really good in pun as pun master?
Or a pundit? I think I spun it incorrectly.
I would date him in a heartbeat
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?
Or just a low ha? Don’t downvote me 🥺👉👈
I asked my wife to describe me in a few words
And, by and large, I'm perfect
Don't know why she then accused me of having "a fundamental incapability to understand the proper use of apostrophes and spacing" though....
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
How do you keep a Redditor in suspense?
At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..
..to find exactly 32 of them.
My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
What is the fastest growing city in the world?
Capital of Ireland
It's Dublin everyday
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
My wife has started doing lunges to get in shape
It's a big step forward for her
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
First post in this sub, be gentle
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
Falling in love is dangerous.
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
I'm in a band called Dyslexia....
We've just released our Greatest Shit album.
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
My Mother-in-law is 80% Irish
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket,
You can hide, but you can’t run!
Punny Electrician in Florida
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
I know a handful of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
My buddy called and asked me to meet him at the record shop in 45...
I made it in 33, which is record speed.
What is Dr. Pepper’s PHD in?
What do lawyers wear in court?
How do you measure a snake? In inches, because they don’t have feet.
But you measure rattlesnakes in meters, because they have rhythm.
There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who know binary and those who don't.
Lots of Corona cases in Lidl
Soup (I know it’s from Instagram but that’s why I kept the @ of the account in)
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?