Suck at puns, but i randomly found this
The neighbors are rock solid at puns
Never apologise for being good at puns
Why am I bad at puns
Because I’m Cornfused about puns
I’m told I’m no good at puns but they come fluid to me...
Why are kleptomaniacs so bad at puns?
They take things literally.
I'm really good at puns
I guess you could say I'm a pundit.
I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9AM
I'm not really a mourning person 😔
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
Constitutional rights at stake.
Fun fact: Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake in it!
In the M section, right after mist.
Thanks HAI
I designed a pencil with erasers at both ends.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C. Everyone said he was crazy, but he was 0K.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
I was watching a robbery at the Apple Store today
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
We have a box of dead batteries at home.
They are all free of charge
Why are fisherman so good at geometry?
Because they're all Anglers.
What type of flour is sold at airports?
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
My Dad showed me a picture of him at a REM concert "Look" he said.
That's me in the corner...
EDIT. Sorry that was just a dream
Found this pie cutter at Goodwill
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
Just accepted new job at a bicycle factory
Gonna be their spokes person
I saw 2 cows staring at me from behind the bush.
I think it was a steak out.
Did you hear about the riot at the circus?
The fighting was intense.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms at all?
Because they make up everything.
I had a Wookie burger at a Star Wars cafe
Teacher: What are you laughing at?
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C
everyone said he was crazy but he was 0K.
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