So I used to work at an orange juice factory...
But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Got ourselves a new forklift at work...
Why do accountants always start drama at work?
Because they love to spread sheet!
My wife works in animal medicine and rolled her eyes at me. "Where does a vet who specializes in neutering live?"
At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
So, a thing happened at work.....
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I can’t sit down and I have to listen to everyone’s wise cracks..
All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!
Tomorrow is Jamaican Day at work
URINE for a treat right here! A sticker on the bathroom wall at work.
A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.
He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.
After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.
A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.
After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"
The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...
They're complimentary."
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
Luke Skywalker works at an Inking and Piercing Parlor. What is his specialty?
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw some blood
Not to brag, bit I aced the recent drug test at work today
Nobody got higher than me.
I asked my German friend if he starts work at 8am.
Overheard at work: On my 40th birthday, I will be celebrating…
The first anniversary of my 39th birthday.
I used to work at a calendar factory
But they fired me for taking a couple of days off
What do you call a chicken who works at a bar?
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
When I open the fridge after a long day at work only to find water, milk and juice, I start to feel like David Gilmour.
"How I wish... How I wish you were beer."
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
There is a religious veterinarian who has a strict rule that only one vet can work on large animals at a time
Because it is a sin to co-vet an oxen or donkey.
Where do penguins sit at work?
There is a guy at work that winces whenever I tell a joke...
I think he has gotten a little pun-shy.
My shift at work ends at midnight, but I'm a night owl so I find staying up late easy...
...I could stay up until midnight with my eyes closed.
I’m in charge of the reader board at work
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work?
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors
I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her bath. She then got mad at me!!
Some people are so ungrateful. I used an entire pencil adding details to it and everything :(
[Just thought of this. I'm pretty happy with myself right now.]
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...
I suppose he'll be getting severance pay.
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
I was a Dad at work the other day
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
I was at the recruitment agency and the consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?
I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
I aced my drug test yesterday at work.
Nobody got higher than me.
I think I aced the drug test at work today.
Nobody got higher than me.
If girls with big boobs work at The Hooters, where do the girls with only one leg work?
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