I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
I’ve started saying mucho to my Spanish speaking friends.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A clock started training for a marathon
Now everyone's mad it runs fast.
I started volunteering for an organization that builds housing for large sea creatures.
It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees.
I was standing in line waiting to have my hair cut, when I noticed that no one had started a fire yet.
I thought, "This is a shit barber queue."
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
My friend started a bird rescue center...
Its nothing to crow about
My wife started making art by putting paint on her wheels and driving them all over the canvas.
not to brag, but they all look like van Gogh's
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
Having been stuck at home for quarantine, my wife started having this recurring nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it Stalk Home syndrome.
Did you hear about those cowboys who started a choir?
They weren’t very good at first, but they practised and now they’re an OK Chorale
So I've started wearing boxing gloves while I vacuum.
We have an awesome tire swing at our home and my two year old started to push it, with no one on it, and I noticed he was pushing it harder and harder and I got worried it would come back and hit him
He was playing with tire.
So...I started building something....
Today, my son asked: "Can I have a bookmark?". To which I instantly started crying
After all these years, he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
I’ve started a new job repairing periscopes.
Have you heard the NFL started selling corn at the Tampa Bay stadium?
It only costs a buck an ear.
You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..
.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.
(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
One day, my friend started falling randomly. But when he took his footwear off, he was fine!
Turns out he was wearing slippers.
Amazon has started a new service where they deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours.
It’s called Tailor Swift.
My wife says I’m terrible at finishing things after I’ve started them.
I started to pet my cat as he was sad.
After that, he was feline better.
Started a band called 999 megaybtes
We still havent gotten a gig
I've recently started writing an Ebook about the history of citrus fruits.
It's nowhere near finished, but the first chapter's on lime.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
I got into a fight with my Mexican neighbor and he started to make train noises while holding a gun
He said "I'm going to choo choo"
I started a second job as a stargazing instructor
It’s going to be class-ified under moonlight
When my wife and I started dating, I took her on a date that cost an arm and a leg.
I guess you could say I went out on a limb for her.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
I started a cancel culture club.
Boy George was not too pleased.
It made me sick that my chimney started falling off the house.
Luckily I caught the flue
Started a boat building business in my attic.
The sales are going through the roof!
I’ve started writing a book about whirlwinds and tornadoes
but it’s only a small draft at the moment
I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and my ears started ringing
Didn't surprise me, considering how cold tinnitus.
(I'll see myself out)
I recently started a new business making Irish lawn chairs
I call it Paddy O’Furniture
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew of the shelves.
They started a poetry class at the local prison...
But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons
I started reading an article on Stockholm syndrome.
At first it was terrible, but by the end, I found amazing.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I started a band called "Blanket"
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