I'm trying to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.
Just need help getting it off the ground.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
My wife keeps insisting that I should warm up before I start exercising.
Sounds like a stretch to me.
π︎ 13
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︎ Nov 16 2020
A former female church member partnered with me in my start up.
She's nun of my business.
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 06 2020
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
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︎ Sep 07 2020
Did you know you start out with four kidneys, but lose two of them growing up?
They turn into adult knees.
Be easy guys this is my first semi original dad joke.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 29 2019
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
I was with my son in the sandbox and he said, βtake this shovel and start filling up this bucket, got it?β
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 06 2020
My friend keeps insisting that I should always warm up before I start exercising.
I think thatβs a stretch.
π︎ 20
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︎ May 06 2020
Iβve been trying to start up a fighting ring of dolphins and whales
But that would defeat the whole porpoise.
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 05 2020
I told my wife we should pack it up and start over as eskimos
π︎ 29
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︎ Jan 02 2020
What do you say when a South American country starts acting up?
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 01 2020
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed βOuch, what are you doing!!β
He says, βIβm applying the turn-a-cut!β
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 29 2019
When I was 12, I was disqualified from a track meet for too many false starts. To cheer me up, my Dad...
took me to Dairy Queen. As he handed me my medium Skor Blizzard he said, "Here you go, a DQ you can feel good about." I laughed and felt better.
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︎ Jan 12 2016
Every day, my professor starts her class by reading to us the important news of the day. Today she didnβt show up.
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︎ Jun 21 2019
Iβm gonna start doing push-ups, Iβm tired of this world pushing me around
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 04 2019
I thought I might start up a funeral home.
But it turned out to be quite the undertaking.
π︎ 12
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︎ Sep 03 2018
What sound does a street sweeper make when it starts up?
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 06 2019
What's a good start when trying to pick up a girl in swampland?
π︎ 16
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︎ Oct 19 2016
A man gets on an escalator and starts going up, but the motor malfunctions, causing him to speed out of control and fall flat on his face.
All I can say is... that escalated quickly.
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︎ Sep 01 2017
Reddit, We are going to start a furniture up-cycling project and are looking for punny names, what can you come up with?
I couldn't come up with any good ones myshelf.
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︎ Nov 26 2014
*Tells 3-4 dad jokes. Follows up with:* You can just start calling me butter... cause Iβm on a roll!!
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 23 2018
I have discovered what God used to start the fire that makes up the sun:
π︎ 17
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︎ Nov 12 2017
I want to start a rap-metal band and sing about Job searching and start ups
We'll call ourselves LinkedIn Park.
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 26 2016
What's a bad start when trying to pick up a girl in the Dominican Republic?
Punta, cana buy you a beer?
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 19 2016
My friend got mad at me yesterday and I don't know why. He had just picked up a sewing machine and was telling me how exited he was to start sewing, so naturally I asked:
π︎ 10
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︎ Jun 12 2017
I'm in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan...
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 24 2017
The wedding was about to start, and mom wanted to make sure the kids didn't have to get up and disrupt the ceremony to go to the bathroom, so she told them...
...speak now or forever hold your pees.
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︎ Sep 20 2013
As a new dad, I figure I should start coming up with some of my own jokes
How can you do math with your teeth?
When you go to the dentist and he gives you a shot some of your teeth will be numb and others will be number!
[this is the best wording I could come up with]
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 23 2013
I cant count how many times i heard this one growing up, it would start by me complaining "my stomach hurts..."
To which the reply would be "oh yeah, how does your face feel.. CUZ ITS KILLING ME!" har har har.
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︎ Sep 23 2013
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