I'm trying to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Cecil_the_wonderdog
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2021
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My wife keeps insisting that I should warm up before I start exercising.

Sounds like a stretch to me.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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A former female church member partnered with me in my start up.

She's nun of my business.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rajeshs33
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 06 2020
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My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...

We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/QuestionableQuery
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 01 2020
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My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time

I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 07 2020
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Did you know you start out with four kidneys, but lose two of them growing up?

They turn into adult knees.

Be easy guys this is my first semi original dad joke.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ShadowKroXIII
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 29 2019
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Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 05 2020
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I was with my son in the sandbox and he said, β€œtake this shovel and start filling up this bucket, got it?”

I dig.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 06 2020
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My friend keeps insisting that I should always warm up before I start exercising.

I think that’s a stretch.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 06 2020
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I’ve been trying to start up a fighting ring of dolphins and whales

But that would defeat the whole porpoise.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Plumsby
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2020
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I told my wife we should pack it up and start over as eskimos

She’s not really Inuit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Radtkeeee
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2020
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What do you say when a South American country starts acting up?

Chile, please

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moosotz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 01 2020
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Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed β€œOuch, what are you doing!!”

He says, β€œI’m applying the turn-a-cut!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2019
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When I was 12, I was disqualified from a track meet for too many false starts. To cheer me up, my Dad...

took me to Dairy Queen. As he handed me my medium Skor Blizzard he said, "Here you go, a DQ you can feel good about." I laughed and felt better.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Freklred
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2016
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Every day, my professor starts her class by reading to us the important news of the day. Today she didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 21 2019
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I’m gonna start doing push-ups, I’m tired of this world pushing me around
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tru-Queer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 04 2019
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I thought I might start up a funeral home.

But it turned out to be quite the undertaking.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 03 2018
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What sound does a street sweeper make when it starts up?

Broom, Broom, BROOM.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Superd3n
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 06 2019
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What's a good start when trying to pick up a girl in swampland?

Can I bayou a beer?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 19 2016
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A man gets on an escalator and starts going up, but the motor malfunctions, causing him to speed out of control and fall flat on his face.

All I can say is... that escalated quickly.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/appa-ate-momo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 01 2017
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Reddit, We are going to start a furniture up-cycling project and are looking for punny names, what can you come up with?

I couldn't come up with any good ones myshelf.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheRationalMan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 26 2014
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*Tells 3-4 dad jokes. Follows up with:* You can just start calling me butter... cause I’m on a roll!!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ithinkyoureawesome-
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2018
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I have discovered what God used to start the fire that makes up the sun:

A match made in heaven.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Returningdarkness
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 12 2017
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I want to start a rap-metal band and sing about Job searching and start ups

We'll call ourselves LinkedIn Park.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PuroStyle
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 26 2016
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What's a bad start when trying to pick up a girl in the Dominican Republic?

Punta, cana buy you a beer?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 19 2016
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My friend got mad at me yesterday and I don't know why. He had just picked up a sewing machine and was telling me how exited he was to start sewing, so naturally I asked:

Sew what?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ineverreadit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 12 2017
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I'm in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan...

It made escargot.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 24 2017
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The wedding was about to start, and mom wanted to make sure the kids didn't have to get up and disrupt the ceremony to go to the bathroom, so she told them...

...speak now or forever hold your pees.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Not_Brandon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 20 2013
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As a new dad, I figure I should start coming up with some of my own jokes

How can you do math with your teeth?

When you go to the dentist and he gives you a shot some of your teeth will be numb and others will be number!

[this is the best wording I could come up with]

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kr3ml1n
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 23 2013
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I cant count how many times i heard this one growing up, it would start by me complaining "my stomach hurts..."

To which the reply would be "oh yeah, how does your face feel.. CUZ ITS KILLING ME!" har har har.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jackal_Files
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 23 2013
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