Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
I started dating a girl that looks after bees
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
I’ve started a new job repairing periscopes.
I started to pet my cat as he was sad.
After that, he was feline better.
My wife says I’m terrible at finishing things after I’ve started them.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
I've recently started writing an Ebook about the history of citrus fruits.
It's nowhere near finished, but the first chapter's on lime.
I started a second job as a stargazing instructor
It’s going to be class-ified under moonlight
Started a band called 999 megaybtes
We still havent gotten a gig
I got into a fight with my Mexican neighbor and he started to make train noises while holding a gun
He said "I'm going to choo choo"
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
When my wife and I started dating, I took her on a date that cost an arm and a leg.
I guess you could say I went out on a limb for her.
I’ve started writing a book about whirlwinds and tornadoes
but it’s only a small draft at the moment
I started a cancel culture club.
Boy George was not too pleased.
I recently started a new business making Irish lawn chairs
I call it Paddy O’Furniture
Started a boat building business in my attic.
The sales are going through the roof!
It made me sick that my chimney started falling off the house.
Luckily I caught the flue
I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and my ears started ringing
Didn't surprise me, considering how cold tinnitus.
(I'll see myself out)
They started a poetry class at the local prison...
But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons
I started reading an article on Stockholm syndrome.
At first it was terrible, but by the end, I found amazing.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew of the shelves.
My 4-year-old got crumbs in his eye and started rubbing his eye. He said it didn't hurt much and I said "Oh, so it's just a little irritating?"
He said "No, it's eye-itating."
My printer started making music, so I checked it out...
So I started that Ketogenic diet and my bowel movements have improved drastically!
So this is just a “quality shit post”
John Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruit only diet...
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
A priest in the woods has been attacked by a pack of wolves. In a moment of desperation, the priest started to ask God how to get out of this situation.
The wolves may be predators but he pray
To avoid Covid on my flight, they converted the whole plane to Catholicism and started praying.
Unfortunately now we’ve got a load of confirmed cases...
A man with a broken arm made a joke. Everyone started laughing. He was...
What did the duck say when earth started shaking?
What did the nut say when his allergies started?
My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.
When I first started learning how to drive, I used to be afraid of speed bumps.
But slowly, I got over it.
My senile old father came out into the yard, as my kid was feeding the squirrels and started yelling, "Shooo! Shooo!" At them.
I just didn't have the heart to tell him they were squirrels; not shoes. As long as he doesn't try to put them on again. That got messy.
I think we made a mistake when we started calling childbirth “delivery”.
It should have been called takeout instead.
“My fifth grade teacher started the first day of school by expressing her doubts and apprehension for the year ahead.”
“Oh, that’s awful. Who was that?”
“Miss Givings.”
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
By buddies and I were drinking beer and cracking jokes, but things started to get out of hand.
It was quite the brew-haha.
My kid started making an airplane when I kept on telling him not to
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I started a band called "Blanket"
I've started a boating business from my attic....
The sails are going through the roof.
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