Now it's ground beef.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
Without skipping a beat he said “Whorelocks.”
He's currently in the ICU.
I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.
Urine trouble.
“Because she has no taste.”
You want flies with that?
My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.
A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.
She told me to come back in a month for another shot.
But I'm dead serious
Because so many of them are degenerative hipsters.
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
European
“I think we’re running out of thyme for this pie”
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
E-mow
Mo-roccan.
This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.
"What was Joe doing before the election results?"
"Biden time"
.. But Screaming Goat videos are the Greatest Of All Time!
Luckily he still made the cast.
Just call me Dyson Fury.
"mom, I can't believe it; I'm in de-nile!"
Then he got in a Fender bender.
It can write other words as well.
It was really deep
No body laughed at that time, but eventually everyone got it.
I woke up this morning with back issues.
...he's ex-Uber-ant
It started off ok but just got harder, I suppose I just got set in my ways!
He went into cardiac arrest.
He did it on porpoise.
I guess they didn't work out!
It's just a miner injury
