Took me a while
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rajeevist
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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My butcher dropped my steak while he was handing it to me.

Now it's ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.

It was the hardest dump I ever took

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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I laughed for a while at this
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coderedcody
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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While watching Harry Potter once, I said to my Dad β€œI wonder what the Hogwarts version of a dirty magazine would be” as Harry was rooting through his chest of things.

Without skipping a beat he said β€œWhorelocks.”

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πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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Thought of this while I was teaching my little brother about the wonderful world of colors
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Global_Warming_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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Just heard a man had an accident while playing peek a boo..

He's currently in the ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 585
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I made the mistake of having a beer while doing my calculus homework last night...

I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leparr
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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My parents found this while camping... someone has a good sense of humour
πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloandog69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?

Urine trouble.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aksurah
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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While talking about Tommy Hilfiger and the prices of Tommy Hilfiger. I randomly did this
πŸ‘︎ 478
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarklingGolem50
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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What did the dung beetle say while working the counter at McDonalds?

You want flies with that?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuriouslySentient
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
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We had a bit of an awkward moment at home a while back...

My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.

A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I failed miserably trying to make the nurse laugh while getting my first dose of the vaccine.

She told me to come back in a month for another shot.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatDubzz
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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People don't believe me when I tell them I died a while ago

But I'm dead serious

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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Apologies in advance for the worst joke you're going to hear for a while. Why are millenials more susceptible to osteoporosis?

Because so many of them are degenerative hipsters.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?

European

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhsorrybro
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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πŸ“Œ It's taking a while but I have patience...! 🧠
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Master_Mind-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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What did one chef say to the other chef while making chicken pot pie?

β€œI think we’re running out of thyme for this pie”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/406livin
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*

Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"

Me: "Oh, why?"

Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
There are jokes that, while not a barrel of laughs, are still firkin funny.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What was the sad teenager listening to while they were forced to do yard work?

E-mow

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/estuaryfire
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A recent study of rocking chairs indicated that certain parts of the world do far less rocking than the United States while specific countries do...

Mo-roccan.

This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sneakymooseattack
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Thought of this while on the shitter, my only kid is a 4 yr old cat

"What was Joe doing before the election results?"

"Biden time"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themarine111
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
While I like cute baby sloth videos, they can be a little slow...

.. But Screaming Goat videos are the Greatest Of All Time!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester1525
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A physician broke his leg while auditioning for a play.

Luckily he still made the cast.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I Made this today i think it belongs here I couldn't stop laughing while making it πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxCandy_floofxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
So I've started wearing boxing gloves while I vacuum.

Just call me Dyson Fury.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the river-tourist call his mom to say while he was in Africa?

"mom, I can't believe it; I'm in de-nile!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeine_bos
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
One of my friends played guitar while drunk…

Then he got in a Fender bender.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
While shopping for school supplies I came across a pen that can write underwater.

It can write other words as well.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I felt overwhelmed with emotion while watching a documentary about the Mariana trench.

It was really deep

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back.

No body laughed at that time, but eventually everyone got it.

πŸ‘︎ 289
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines.

I woke up this morning with back issues.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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I know an ant who's been driving ride shares for a while and just switched to Lyft

...he's ex-Uber-ant

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fizzmore
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a job as a concrete pourer a while back

It started off ok but just got harder, I suppose I just got set in my ways!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ignorethevoices
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the criminal who had a heart attack while running from the police?

He went into cardiac arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luigiblade777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Even took me a while ngl..
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who killed someone while riding a dolphin?

He did it on porpoise.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mobius_Arrow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My son proposed to his girlfriend while they were at the gym and she said no...

I guess they didn't work out!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hypeaze
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I pulled a muscle while digging up gold

It's just a miner injury

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crimsonangel68
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report

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