While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back.
No body laughed at that time, but eventually everyone got it.
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
I pulled a muscle while I was digging for gold.
Wife: "I accidentally fell asleep while grading my student's projects."
Me: "I guess everyone's getting Z's"
Even took me a while ngl..
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.
What did the wedding cake say while it was cutting an onion?
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I pulled a muscle while trying to come up with some synonyms.
While the rest of the world were stocking up on toiletpaper, the germans were stocking up on sausages and cheese
They were preparing for a wurst käse scenario
Thought of this while on drugs.
Things you say at a celebrity brothel and at a custom tailors. " yeah, how much is Chris Hemsworth? "
What did the 46th president say while taking the White House keys from the 45th on his way out?
My dad cut himself while getting veggies
We got some bloody tomatoes
While eating Thai food, my daughter asked “Where is Thailand?”
I said right between winner-land and loser-land
What do you call it when you catch a fish on every cast while deep sea fishing?
My mom cried while cutting onions
Onions was such a good dog
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
What do you drink while dreaming?
Landed a good I think while pressure washing today.
Me: Well son the driveway was long over due for a cleaning.
My son: oh yeah? Was it?
Me: I think evidence is pretty concrete!
He gave me the eye roll and head back, a win in my book.
Why can't you hide while wearing polka dots?
Because you'll always be spotted.
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
My kids started dancing while cleaning up the house.
It was some pretty good chore-eography.
Thought of this one while I was cooking last night
My left hand is clean, but, on the other hand, I did touch meat.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
This happened a while back, I was dropping my 7 year old school son to school. “Son, hurry up, we’re running late.”
Son: “no dad, we’re walking late.”
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
My four year old son threw his ball that landed on my laptop keyboard while I was typing
And said “I guess the ball is working today!”. His first real joke. I’m so proud!
I’ve been constipated for a while now
Same shit different year I guess
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
I got so tired while climbing a tall mountain in Nepal.
I did not think I would Everest.
While driving from Oklahoma to Illinois, I got lost on the way.
I've been in a state of Missouri ever since.
While replacing an electrical outlet, I accidentally stabbed myself with one of the wires.
And for a brief moment, I had a connection with the house.
Today I slipped and fell while walking out to the car.
I was pissed. I was mad. I looked everywhere for the cause. But alas, it was my own asphalt.
You really should try archery while blindfolded.
You don't know what you're missing.
While taking a fall foliage tour through Canada last year, our guide asked us what we thought of their trees.
I told him they look oak-eh.
How do you describe bench-press obsessed army boys insulting each other while they're being shot at?
Chest nuts roasting in open fire
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
There's no justification for holding a knife while flirting
Not even if it's a boning knife.
my brother in law was addicted to the hokey pokey. it took him a while but eventually he...
Cows have to stand all day and stand while sleeping at night
Their legs have to be pretty beefy to do that
Why don't ducks tell jokes while they're flying?
Because they would quack up!
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
My girlfriend that I loved with all my heart left me while I was in the bathroom screaming with constipation.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
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