My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
I got fired today because a customer wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese....
I told them we only accept cash.
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
Because I always take my shit to the next level
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7-8-9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
I came home from work upset. "My boss fired me because I expressed my opinion," I told my wife.
She said, "That's a human right."
I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."
Get it? Because it's in Erie, PA
Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
I went to an Eye Doctor because I was having trouble seeing
I thought he would give me glasses, but he said he had a better solution and suddenly squirted ketchup into my eyes!
I was about to object, then realized I could see perfectly! I asked him how it worked, and he shrugged and said...
"Heinz-sight is 20/20"
I just got fired from my job as a palaeontologist because I didn't recognise a female Stegosaurus.
In my defence I'd only ever dug up Tyrannosaurus Rex, so I'd never seen herbivore.
Yesterday my mother explained me that I couldn't eat a cheese sandwich because I'm lactose intolerant.
But I just couldn't completely digest it.
I was offered to have a street named after me, but I said no because I remembered
No one crosses me and lives
My wife and I had a 2 hour argument last night because I "have no sense of direction"
So I packed all my stuff and right.
I got into a fight with my brother on the way to church today because he was positive that Jesus was an Intel processor guy....
When anybody with half a brain clearly knows he has a Ryzen
Told my luggage there won’t be any vacations because of COVID-19
Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage
So I went to the doctor because of my constipation
He didn't believe me.
He said I was full of shit
At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
An old man owned a dolphin and some children asked him why. The old man smiled and said, "When I was younger, my dreams were crushed, so I bought the dolphin because..."
"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."
Was Spartacus mad because the Lion ate his wife?
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.
Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it.”
There is a famous drug store in my city, because they wear disney costume to cheer up people
the main guy wears a Donald duck costume. I really don't like to go to the store though because my mom always said that one shouldn't take drugs from a quack.
When I met my childhood bully last Friday, I was happy to learn he had double vision, because he always bullied me with my glasses. But then...
I went to the geometry store because I was looking to buy a shape with 4 or less sides...
But I couldn’t find any! They were all gons!!!
My wife has just left me because of my obsession with football...
Shame really, we've only been married for 2 seasons.
My Christian wife got mad at me because adultery is a sin
But by god did I love thy neighbor
My wife is leaving me because Im suffering from Alopecia.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
Because of his enormous debt, Old McDonald has to sell his farm.
To cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors...
Came straight out of the blue. Took the wind right out of my sails.
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
My middle name is Stevenson because my dads name is Steven and I’m his son.
So I guess you could say dad jokes are my middle name.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
We all know that 6 is scared of 7 because 7 8 9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you need 3 squared meals per day
We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9
But 7 was scared of 2, 4 6 8 10
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