My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
Because I always take my shit to the next level
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
My wife and I had a 2 hour argument last night because I "have no sense of direction"
So I packed all my stuff and right.
So I went to the doctor because of my constipation
He didn't believe me.
He said I was full of shit
An old man owned a dolphin and some children asked him why. The old man smiled and said, "When I was younger, my dreams were crushed, so I bought the dolphin because..."
"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."
Was Spartacus mad because the Lion ate his wife?
My wife has just left me because of my obsession with football...
Shame really, we've only been married for 2 seasons.
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
I got into a fight with my brother on the way to church today because he was positive that Jesus was an Intel processor guy....
When anybody with half a brain clearly knows he has a Ryzen
My wife is leaving me because Im suffering from Alopecia.
My Christian wife got mad at me because adultery is a sin
But by god did I love thy neighbor
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors...
Came straight out of the blue. Took the wind right out of my sails.
Because of his enormous debt, Old McDonald has to sell his farm.
To cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
My middle name is Stevenson because my dads name is Steven and I’m his son.
So I guess you could say dad jokes are my middle name.
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
People said I would never be good at poetry because I was dyslexic.
But so far I've made two vases and a bowl and they turned out great!
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
Those small packets of ketchup are here because the big bottles didn't know what a condiment.
I heard Dick van Dyke was asked to change his name because it was insensitive
Now he’s Penis von Lesbian.
My spouse left me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
Divorce is strong with this one.
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
My son asked me, “Because of the pandemic, I’m on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?”
Me: That can’t be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
You’ll do a lot of dumb things in your youth, son, and that’s okay, because most of the consequences won’t follow you into adulthood. But you know what will always come back to haunt you?
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I got lost on my way to the store because I was...
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
I got a mail saying that I won a million dollars because I could read Maps backwards
I thought to myself, "That's just Spam".
I'm fat, because I'm full of experiences...
.....and most of these experiences involved Mexican food.
My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
Why did bicycle go to bed early? Because it was two-tired
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
My grandson was taken to the hospital because he swallowed a $5 bill
My daughter got out of choir practice. She was talking about who her favorite conductors were, and was really excited about her favorite ones, because she said they were very good conductors.
Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?
"No... Why..?"
Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym
It was the vending machine
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
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