I lost my wife due to my gambling addiction.
I'm going to try and win her back.
π︎ 246
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
Due to complaints, Hawaii passed a law where you're not allowed to laugh above a certain decibel
You can only use a low ha
π︎ 336
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 22 2021
I told my suitcase there will not be any vacation due to pandemic
I am now dealing with emotional baggage
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 01 2021
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
Doctor leaning over a patient who is slowly falling asleep due to anesthetic
-
No worries Steve, this will work out just fine. Itβs an easy procedure.
-
But doctor, Iβm not Steve!!
-
I know, I am Steve.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
Correct me if Iβm wrong, but due to the ongoing pandemic, would it be smart to stay at least 6ft away from the chips and dip when visiting a Mexican restaurant?
You know, Salsa Distancing.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Doctor said Iβm at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Due to quarantine
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
Due to freezing conditions in New York, the mens American Naturist Society....
.....has seen the size of their members shrink dramatically.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 03 2020
Due to my flatulent habits my daughters have started calling me "Farther"
They didn't like it when I retaliated with...
"Daughturds"
π︎ 65
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
Due to the pandemic, we should all avoid buying butter.
Together we can stop the spread.
π︎ 94
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
Due to COVID-19, the German government is advising that people stock up on sausages and cheese.
They are preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
My dad was demoted to part time as orchestra conductor due to budget cuts
Now he's a semiconductor.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
Due to all the COVID restrictions this year, a maximum of only 6 of the 7 dwarves could meet up
None of them were Happy :-(
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5β5 shouldnβt be getting together for the holidays.
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
Wife is pregnant, due any day.
Suddenly the contractions Start.
"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.
Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"
π︎ 30
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, theyβve been stripped of their source of income.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
This is the first year I'm not taking a vacation to Hawaii due to Covid.
Normally I don't go because I can't afford it.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
What do you call a young adult who canβt leave her house due to a pandemic?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
A Chinese kid was born before the due date
Parents named him βSudden Leeβ
π︎ 50
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Well we can't use tables due to lockdown.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
Pumpernickel never gets its due.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
My uncle died due to drinking furniture polish...
...it was a slow death, but a beautiful finish
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
Sadly due to a neurological condition, I have a permanent hand tremor..
Good side is that when I do a handshake, I do it literally.
(Condition is inoperable brain tumour)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 04 2020
Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why
π︎ 396
π
︎ Mar 31 2020
Itβs my birthday today and no party is planned due to pandemic. And my daughter said this to cheer me up.
βYou will have your cake and eat it too.β
PS: this is the best gift I can get today.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
I have a friend who owns a yachting business, but had to work from home due to the pandemic...
Now his sails are through the roof.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
Due to the Coronavirus, there is a huge shortage of maternity ward staff.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!
We're having a midwife crisis.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
βSorry, weβre clothed.β
π︎ 65
π
︎ Mar 31 2020
Due to social distancing, everyone is asking Kim Jung Un how far six feet is Exactly!
Because he is the supreme ruler.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
I heard all the hair stylists are suffering from depression due to unemployment.
They just want to like, dye.
(OC)
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 21 2020
My wife and I are currently due our third, and I don't remember the other pregnancies being this long.
This one seems to be lasting a maternity.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst kΓ€se scenario.
π︎ 79
π
︎ Apr 03 2020
I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
Iron man yielded infinity stones and after the snap, due to stonesβ immense power, he died!
Apparently, it turned out to not be his strong suit!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
After getting a lot of negative reviews due to their rather poor string section, the LAPD Police Band decided to lose all the strings from their performances.
It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
Due to the state of the pandemic I decided to move to my house boat for a while
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
Due to noise complaints, they passed a law in Hawaii that youβre no longer allowed to laugh above a certain decibel...
Now you can only use a low ha
π︎ 95
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Did you know in the 1950βs Hawaii passed a law that people were not allowed to laugh above a certain decibel due to too many noise complaints?
Now you can only do a-low-ha
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 19 2021
Due to the quarantine
Iβll only be telling inside jokes
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
