Time heals awl wounds.
Twobearculousis
It was a bombshell
Some may even call it Beta
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
Contraban(ne)d
It was otter chaos.
Herbies
Now he’s a chili dog.
If so, you may be entitled to condensation
-Not OC-
Lettuce have a moment of silence.
They’re free of charge !
it was braking gnus.
They docked his pay.
His boss found out, and now he’s in deep shit.
Doctors describe his condition as(s) stable.
...all I hear is, “There’s a bear somewhere out there who knows how to use matches”.
Krakatoa
...then I guess dinosaurs were killed by a Mexican Wave.
I made Massachusetts live up to its name.
But Quasimodo has a hunch
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
A tornaydo.
Someone through threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
They were never soba!
A PURRder @ -@ . . . . (help im new here aaaa)
Leaf us alone.
It runs in my genes.
A Cr-ISIS
https://www.reddit.com/r/quityourbullshit/comments/5vemhh/texas_hunters_who_accidentally_shot_each_other/
A friend and I were in New Orleans and there were some hipsters listening to rap. She commented that she had not seen that often, and I said "What, Hip-Hopsters?"
Twobearculosis.
