My voicemail prompts the caller to leave his or her name and number. My dad’s response on his most recent message:

My name is, Dad and my number is one. Always number one!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Him
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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x-post from funny: Misspell 'dual monitors' prompts wonderful dad-jokes
πŸ‘︎ 162
πŸ‘€︎ u/vincentrose88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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Donald Trump doesn't like Mexicans, and I'm terrible with timed writing prompts. I guess we have similar opinions...

We both hate ese's.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlamingBalisong
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2016
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Dad got a drawing prompt book...

Please help, there are 500 more of these...

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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citizens of /r/dadjokes, our collective might is needed in a writing prompt in /r/writingprompts!

We must write a wrong.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trollsofalabama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2015
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While watching (American) football this past Sunday the announcer says, "...the ground can't cause a fumble." This prompts my dad to look at me and say

You'd think the ground would know that by now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheril
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
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When the third zero came up, I promptly bet my money against another one appearing...

...and quickly lost everything.

It was all four naughts.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, β€œOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”

The man says, β€œIt’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

πŸ‘︎ 175
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomsonc014
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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A church recently sustained a lot of damage, and had to hire a contractor in order to replace all of it's bells which were destroyed. After completing the work, all of the contractors were promptly arrested.

They were charged with re-belling.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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My two year old in the tub

Looked at me and said "Pop!..." I assumed he was prompting me to sing, so I finished "goes the weasel!" Instead, he looked at me, smiled, and whispered. "No. Pop goes the waffle."

He got his bedtime toaster waffle snack that night.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/BenjaminKorr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary

I learned next to nothing

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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I was prompted by Reddit to post something interesting.

Something interesting.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/everlearning6
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
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This prompted an iRoll.

Girlfriend: ugh... Why does eye makeup have to be so difficult?!

Me: is that like Apple makeup?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/TuskenRaiders
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2016
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So, my mum lost a few hair clips...

I eventually found all three of them sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace.

My dad, being the joker he is, promptly said "There's nothing I can say. In total, three clips on the hearth."

Your humour is amazing, dads

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidinator69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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A proud father: My son got my wife today

Today we were eating and my son ate a carrot without using the fork so my wife promptly said: "Don't eat with your fingers..." to which he answered: "I'm eating with my mouth!"

I was soooo happy and my wife had to let it slide...

(We don't speak English so I hope the joke isn't lost in the translation)

EDIT: Thanks for all the upvotes :) This was an unexpected surprise to wake up to. Very happy that it translates in to English so well. Now some clarifications:

  1. Yes... the carrots were cooked, we are not psychopaths (in regards to our eating habbits)

  2. My son is 10 years old and still living at home

  3. We all speak English, just not our native language and not used at the dinner table

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ‘€︎ u/lweinreich
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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I yelled, β€œCOW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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I need help writing a storyline where every line is a pun

Your prompt: Two chemists have discovered an "aggressive molecule"

If something good comes out of this, I will submit this and the story will be acted out as a play. No bamboozle.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Budderlord27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

πŸ‘︎ 737
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlJo27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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[META] Is this the ultimate dad joke?

A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction... because it was cooler.

She was not amused.

I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction

If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression. I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/welded_angus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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A pony walks into a tavern...

He walks over to the bar and sits down with a heavy sigh.

Bartender: "Hey buddy, why the long fa-"

Pony: "Cut the shit. We've all heard that one. Glass of scotch. Warm. No ice."

The bartender hastily complies and the pony promptly downs it in a single shot.

Pony: "Ahhh I needed that."

Bartender: "Imagine so. You look like you've had a long day."

Pony: "Nah. I'm just a little hoarse."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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An accountant was under review at his firm

He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.

He was fired for gross misrepresentation.

πŸ‘︎ 179
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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My coworker went to Subway for lunch.

On his receipt there was an autogenerated prompt for feedback:

"Lettuce know how we did today at [enter website] . com , and we'll send you a sweet offer."

Told him that I liked how they sandwiched it in...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Catch_Twenty-2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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I just got my wife with this one.

We were at Five Guys and they had a sign that said, β€œToday’s potatoes are from Idaho,” so I said, β€œWho da hoe?”

She promptly responded, β€œIdaho.”

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skiftonoid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning.

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/arayakim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Three clowns measuring a pole

There were three clowns; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repositioned to pick up another pole.

This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn’t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The clowns replied, β€œwe need to know how tall the poles are, not how long!"


πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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Two scientists walk into a bar...

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first walks up to the barman, smirks, and says "I'll have a shot of H2O"!

He downs the drink, burps, and says to the other scientist "Your turn".

The other scientist says "I'll have an H2O too!"

The Barman gives him a weird look, but poors the shot anyway.

The second scientist then drinks it and promptly dies.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/MDangerhole
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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My wife just got me :)

So we were sitting at at the table having hotdogs for dinner. My mother-in-law and I then both went to ask my daughter for something at the same time, me for the sauce and the MIL for my daughters glasses so she can clean them. Then we ended up taking turns asking

My MIL then commented that it was good that we didn't ask at the same time otherwise she would be cleaning the bottle and I would be trying to put glasses on the hot dog.

My wife then turned to me and said "Then it would be a Seeing Eye Dog!" And promptly burst out laughing.

This was made all the more special, since my wife is only now just coming out of a 5 year melancholic depression. Yay!

EDIT: Changed wording to make it clearer. Thank you very much from both myself and my wife for all your positive thoughts. :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/yberry
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
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The look on my wife's face was priceless.

My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, "Hey Momma, want to see some boobies?" He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find. Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusRXI09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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All she wanted was Root Beer

While standing at the register of a New Orleans Hamburger & Seafood Co, the lady taking our order asked what we would like to drink. My girlfriend responds "I want some barq's!" To which I promptly replied, "woof, woof, WOOF!" 0 laughs or smiles and I could feel the air around me thicken with dad joke cringe. Fuck it, I loved it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/ddesla2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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Dad joke on Thanksgiving.

Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.

Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"

Grandmother: "Where?"

Dad: "The stock market."

He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/ActionHobo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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Parents come to my boyfriend's house for dinner

My bf's dad tells my parents to "take a seat" as we enter the dining room. My dad promptly takes a chair and exits, then proceeds to bust up in the next room.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/jimbajab
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
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A lieutenant of a marching band had lost his piccolo, he went to a music instrument-store and asked for a piccolo

The store keeper said that they ran out of stock of piccolos but he could rent out a flute, the lieutenant agreed promptly.

After the performance the lieutenant came back to the store to return the flute. The store keeper asked if he was the flute tenant

No I am the lieutenant

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/minecraftkoolkidz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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Dad joke from my 13 y/o brother

At an outdoor ice cream place when a person gets handed their banana split. Promptly drops his order on the ground and without skipping a beat my brother says "Looks like he got a banana splat."

I was the only family member to laugh

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/Caprangus
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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New York Customer tells the chef that he knows the secret ingredient

The chef promptly asks who told you? Customer says, I have my sauces.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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I dadjoked my niece today. She was wondering why they don't have dances in co-ed prisons.

I promptly burst out singing: "Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm!"

I got a full-on facepalm out of her. It was excellent.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ‘€︎ u/grimfel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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The blank face of the vet said it all . . .

While getting a blood test for our dog the vet explained that she would ring us when the lab-test results came in. To which my dad promptly replied "Why are you running a LAB-test when she is a Corgi?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/princess_eve
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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Donald Trump walks into a bar.

And promptly lowers it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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Invisible Man

I was walking past a bookstore with my father in law today. He looked in the window and saw a display of books that featured Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. My FIL said, "I tried reading Invisible Man years ago and I don't know, I just couldn't... I didn't really..." He struggled for words.

"You couldn't see the point?" I prompted with a grin.

He continued on for a moment till he saw me wagging my eyebrows and it hit him. I feel like I made him proud.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuillofNumenor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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Y'all been on r/writingprompts today?

u/RamsesThePigeon wrote a story. A beautiful story.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/straight_gay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2017
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