My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.

I think she is in love with me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Why could the actor never read their lines from cue cards?

Because they kept trying to read between the lines

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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I was about to shoot some pool with my friend Jacques and asked him, β€œHey, where is your cue?”

He said, β€œIt’s between the c and the u.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Cue the dramatic music
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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That was my Cue to make a pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Graeme171
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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So we're having a roast dinner; cue stupid dad joke.

Having roast pork for Sunday dinner, which needed to be scored to make crackling:

Mum: The meat needs to be scored.

Dad: 5 out of 10.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostunicorn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
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I saw my friend Jacqueline standing next to a pool table. I asked her, β€œWhere is your cue?”

She said, β€œRight after the C.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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My therapist says that I often misread social cues.

I’m not sure why she is hitting on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
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Just shit a cue ball into a guy at the bar.

Apologized and said "sorry I'm drunk " he said "nice to meet you drunk I'm drunk too"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fattzilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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Dadjoked this morning. Cue sporadic fits of laughter.

Me: I feel bad for Mitt Romney. Mitt is such a stupid name. What kind of parent names their kid Mitt?

Dad: Well gee, I think it fits like a glove!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2014
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Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?

Professor: Um, you know it’s May, right?

Student: Of course, so sorry! β€œMay I do something to raise my grade?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tanglukian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Why did the billiards player take so long to take his shot?

He was waiting for his cue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChknNQuaffles
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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I have never been defeated...

I still have both of my feet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SinfulM4ntis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Dad: Son, have you seen my eye drops?

Son: Oh. Looks like I dropped them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LikeTheHurricane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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My dadjoke for the day

My wife (japanese) was preparing her breakfast which for her usually includes numerous small dishes and rice. Well she announced to me. "I'm not eating rice today."

I immediately replied "Honey, you cant say that."

"That's Rice-ist"

Cue eyeroll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iron_Undies
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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What’s the collective noun for a group of Japanese calligraphy comedians?

Comic sans

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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I have a friend named bob

Me:Bob has no arms

Me:knock knock

Six year old: Who's there?

Me: not bob! (Cue laughter)

Six year old: bob who?...

Fuck it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nephrenra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Did you hear that Bob Barker died?

He got hit by a brAND NEW CAAAAAR!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/millre01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Drunk driver overturned his van on road carrying snooker equipment.

Police says he is under a-rest and there is cues a mile long.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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What do you call a guitar used to play pool?

A cue stick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovepuns
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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People who make soda jokes must know a lot about pop culture.

People who make soda jokes must know a lot about pop culture.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
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There’s a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid

He says he can stop anytime

(Cue the ba dum Chi thing)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_thereDude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcofromda510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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This one got a chuckle today

We’ve been hanging out with family this weekend, my daughter comes up to me looking for her cousin.

Her: β€œWhere’s Noah?”

Me: β€œI have Noah-dea”

Cue laugh from the daughter, groans from the adults.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillaacid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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So i pulled this one off at dinner last night

Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.

Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:

Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blaidd_Golau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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A man got a vasectomy without telling his wife. When she finds out about it, she is livid. "Are you serious?" She screams.

"Yes, I'm not kidding you."

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2016
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I really didn't like "despicable me" movies in the begining

But it Gru on me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_xXFURYXx_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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My third son was born yesterday morning, 3 weeks early.

The nurse, my wife, and my mom discussing how he "came so early"

I interject with "I guess you could say he has a problem with, premature evacuation"

To my surprise they all actually laughed hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_little_too_late
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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I may get fired or promoted... not sure...

My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.

Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."

Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."

Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anix421
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2017
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GF: I love you

Me: I love the sequel GF: ....... Me: I love you 2 cue groans

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/solipsistmaya
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
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Airbender, Waterbender...

The girlfriend and I were in the car yesterday with her two young kids in the backseat. They were talking about what sort of "bender" they wanted to be.

Girl: "I would be an airbender!"

Boy: "I'm a waterbender."

Just then a truck passes us, driving a bit wildly.

Me: "That guy wants to be a fenderbender."

Cue evil glare from girlfriend.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomwithweather
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
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Talking to my dad about weird dreams.

Me: "Whenever I dream I have trouble seeing in them".

Dad: "Well you should be sleeping with your glasses on then".

Me: queue sighs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lakesideacid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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My dad always orders a "honeymoon salad"

Just lettuce alone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dewy61746114
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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I asked my girlfriend what book she was reading

She replied "It's a mystery."

I said "Doesn't it say on the cover?"

Cue eye rolling.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leasedweasel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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My girlfriend got me pretty good today.

I opened the cabinet to pull out the chocolate syrup when I noticed a chocolate fingerprint on the top. I jokingly asked her if she did that to mark it as hers since she had told me she might have to hide it to keep me from using it all. So, we go back and forth over whose fingerprint it is when she grabs it and takes it over to the dog. She holds it up and goes, "Eddie, look. Whose is that?" Of course, he's a dumb dog, so he just whines and wags his tail. She then comes back to me and says, "I sent the fingerprint to the Lab, results came back inconclusive." Cue long sigh.

Edit: Damn...

Edit 2: The Lab

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Really_Dont_Know
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
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My girlfriends's dadjoke on computer specs completely blindsided us last night.

"I wonder if quad core or duo core matters much..."

"Well, Apple's have a single core, and they run fine."

*Cue groaning

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cofenn
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
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Dadjoked by a customer yesterday.

I was working the counter yesterday and we had an exceptionally long line for a Wednesday. There was one customer who was taking forever to finish up the transaction. When I got to the man next in line, I Immediately apologized.

"Sorry for the wait, Sir."
"Oh, I haven't stepped on a scale in years. Has it gotten that bad?"

cue facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry_ery_tyme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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Just got my daughter with this one.

I started singing Karma Chameleon and my daughter sys "Thanks dad, that'll be stuck in my head all day now"

I said "No it won't, it'll come and go"

Cue disgusted look at my cackling laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/overkill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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A man ran through the waiting room, barged into the doctors office and said "Doctor, help me quick I've swallowed a pool ball."

The doctor looked at him crossly, pointed out of the door and said "get to the end of the cue!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she’s in love with me.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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