The queen liked my girlfriend so much, she immediately made her an honorary member of the royal family...

She was really empressed!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did Julius Caesar, after having an epileptic fit, during the time he was a hostage of pirates, immediately need a dictionary?

As Caesar's seizure ceased at sea, he said "I'm sleepy" and grabbed some zzz's.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dr didn’t immediately treat my poison ivy reaction.

He doesn’t like to make rash decisions.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.

"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My dog started gnawing on something and immediately started having a sneezing fit

That's the last time I buy achoo toy.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AADPS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
While people are talking about the presidential election, I don't talk immediately, because...

I'm Biden my time, until I can play my Trump card.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed immediately....

....by forgetting your wife's birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Got a pay rise of $1000 today, effective immediately.

What a grand start to the weekend.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend thought I'd be lonely after she broke up with me,

Little did she know that I immediately bought stocks just to have some company.

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hridaygandhi
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
If you get a call from a canned meat company, hang up immediately...

It's a Spam.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
When the Mrs. could tell I was in the mood, she immediately let me know that tonight wasn’t going to happen.

She said: β€œNot tonight. Period.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brian_Cirgury
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the pirate get in his ship and leave immediately when he got a phone call?

Because booty calls

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/actualcovfefebean
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
a llama walked up to a mirror and immediately started ejecting saliva all over the place

it was his spitting image

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
So 3 roads walked into a bar

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurfingSherlock
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prashantuprety8
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a man pushing around a cart of saltpeter, he immediately stopped when he saw someone doing something nefarious.

Or you could say the peter parker, spied a man.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Accendil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sick and tired of my wife forgetfully leaving her feminine hygiene products in the toilet, so I confronted her

She immediately flushed with embarrassment.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
He pretended to be a father.

But I immediately recognized the faux pas.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThusSpokeGaba
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
at the beach, i found a broken sand dollar, and i turned to Daughter, and said, hey i found a rapper...

she immediately responded, "50 cent"

it was rewarding because i could visibly see her internal groan at dumb dad joke, but then also self-horror that she was so quick to get the joke... win-win-win!!

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fajita43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
what do you call a reptile with a stock portfolio? an invested-gator

or when he shows up immediately? an insta-gator

and if he's well-dressed? and in-vest-gator

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/storm-the-castle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
We once were questioning a perp who wouldn't say anything without his coarse file with cutting points instead of lines. After getting it, he immediately confessed...

He talked with a rasp.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently posted a video on Facebook of bumblebees sneaking up on people and scaring them and was immediately banned.

Apparently you’re not allowed to post boo bees

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A piece of string walks into a bar

Immediately the bartender tells him to get out "We don't serve pieces of string here!"

The piece of string is a bit disappointed, but has an idea. He ruffles his top and returns to the bar.

"I told you to get out. We don't serve pieces of string here!" said the bartender

The string replies "A piece of string ?? I'm a frayed knot!"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the safety manager insist that a big pile of LSD be removed immediately from the factory floor?

He felt it was a real tripping hazard.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.

But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
A real life dad joke.

My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.

Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"

I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"

I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."

πŸ‘︎ 410
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 577
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaidendeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy named Bart enters a bar. As soon as he enters, he is immediately shot and killed. Who killed Bart?

Bartender

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrakeVader
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine planned to use balloons to propose to his internet girlfriend, but then they finally met face to face.

He immediately popped the question.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A new teacher was hired immediately when he said he just got out of Yale

He was grateful because he really needed the yob

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Groin_Gripper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a frozen balloon and gave it to my son.

He immediately let it go.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".

"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.

"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife

The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought my wife said we were having a boy, but she just gave birth to a self-luminous gaseous spheroidal body who immediately started performing nuclear fusion reactions

I'm really not ready to have a Sun. Any advice?

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend moved to Nepal immediately after graduation to be a Sherpa.

He's now living the high life!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I got hit by a pool ball immediately after entering the bar...

Bad break.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A limbo champion walks into a bar....

He is immediately disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wTone_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad finally came back from getting his cigarettes after 10 years and immediately started telling me how good I had it

I was like "ok boomerang"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughperman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Wile E. Coyote never immediately fell off the cliff because he didn’t understand the gravity of his situation.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMyFaultImMoody
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My Roomba accidentally went outside our front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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