My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
My Dr didnβt immediately treat my poison ivy reaction.
He doesnβt like to make rash decisions.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.
"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
My dog started gnawing on something and immediately started having a sneezing fit
That's the last time I buy achoo toy.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed immediately....
....by forgetting your wife's birthday.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
While people are talking about the presidential election, I don't talk immediately, because...
I'm Biden my time, until I can play my Trump card.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
If you get a call from a canned meat company, hang up immediately...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
Got a pay rise of $1000 today, effective immediately.
What a grand start to the weekend.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
When the Mrs. could tell I was in the mood, she immediately let me know that tonight wasnβt going to happen.
She said: βNot tonight. Period.β
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
Why did the pirate get in his ship and leave immediately when he got a phone call?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
a llama walked up to a mirror and immediately started ejecting saliva all over the place
it was his spitting image
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
I saw a man pushing around a cart of saltpeter, he immediately stopped when he saw someone doing something nefarious.
Or you could say the peter parker, spied a man.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 17 2020
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.
As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.
The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"
I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.
I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
π︎ 49
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
We once were questioning a perp who wouldn't say anything without his coarse file with cutting points instead of lines. After getting it, he immediately confessed...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
I recently posted a video on Facebook of bumblebees sneaking up on people and scaring them and was immediately banned.
Apparently youβre not allowed to post boo bees
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 08 2020
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.
The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.
After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.
"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.
"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."
"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"
The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
π︎ 21
π
︎ Mar 01 2020
Why did the safety manager insist that a big pile of LSD be removed immediately from the factory floor?
He felt it was a real tripping hazard.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 20 2020
A guy named Bart enters a bar. As soon as he enters, he is immediately shot and killed. Who killed Bart?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
A new teacher was hired immediately when he said he just got out of Yale
He was grateful because he really needed the yob
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 10 2020
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...
She was waving an illegal fire arm.
π︎ 576
π
︎ Jan 09 2019
My friend moved to Nepal immediately after graduation to be a Sherpa.
He's now living the high life!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
My dad finally came back from getting his cigarettes after 10 years and immediately started telling me how good I had it
I was like "ok boomerang"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 23 2019
I got hit by a pool ball immediately after entering the bar...
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 31 2019
I thought my wife said we were having a boy, but she just gave birth to a self-luminous gaseous spheroidal body who immediately started performing nuclear fusion reactions
I'm really not ready to have a Sun. Any advice?
π︎ 92
π
︎ Jan 19 2019
I need him immediately
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 26 2019
Wile E. Coyote never immediately fell off the cliff because he didnβt understand the gravity of his situation.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 24 2019
I forgot that I had stashed a small rounded bread from dinner in my back pocket when I sat down at the roulette table... I immediately started winning!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 05 2019
Two photographer friends of mine went on a date together and immediately decided to get into a relationship. My other friends found this really weird but I think those two just
clicked with one another really well.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 21 2019
My friend and I went to a basketball game dressed like dancing chickens, and got immediately escorted out of the arena.
Because two flagrant fowls means an automatic ejection.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 28 2019
Farmers Only needs to accept this name change immediately.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Feb 15 2019
A woman falls into a well. Her husband immediately puts a cover over it.
Well that got dark quickly
π︎ 43
π
︎ Sep 25 2018
I took a picture of my plane landing, and was immediately arrested.
The cops said it was in descent exposure.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 11 2019
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 18 2018
Why don't zombies just not run fast, catch people and eat their brains immediately?
Because they are stuck on "shuffle mode".
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 16 2017
I need to immediately upgrade my version of MS Office.
For lack of a better Word.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 22 2018
My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.
I turn back to my son and say βit turns out, Iβm not made of moneyβ.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 28 2018
My Roomba accidentally went outside our front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Jun 09 2019
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