My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I don't like my friends either.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
Everything in existence is either a potato or not a potato
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.
...It was Kief or Southernland.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
Tomorrow is either the dawn of a new day, or the day of an old don.
My wife said either me or the books.
We are no longer Tolkien with each other.
I'm thinking of entering a talent show. I have two ideas for my act. Either a Blues Traveler cover band, or an impression of Richard Nixon.
I'm hoping to win, by Hook or by Crook.
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
I'm sticking with/to my guns. It makes sense either way
I was asked to put either an inspirational quote or a joke on the message board at work.
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
My brother said he would gift me either a short sleeved shirt or a German sausage.
I hope for the vest but expecting the wurst.
I bought some new sunglasses and it seems people either love them or hate them.
Help! I started arranging them by artist but that wasn’t right. Then by title, but that wasn’t right either. Nor by colour. Nor alphabetically by first track title. Finally, I arranged them by number of tracks, but I just couldn’t get them in the right order. So I got rid of them all. Do I have 0CD?
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's...
I wouldn’t want to either. Looking at him, makes me itch.
Everyone's saying 2020 is a bad year. It's not looking great a couple years down the road either.
My doc seems to think I either have a wizard or orthopedic footwear...
He said I have mage or healthy shoes.
I needed hot air balloon pilots for an event. I could either hire or use prison labor.
Dad told me I should weigh the pros and cons first.
3030 years from now, things will either be amazing, or terrible
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.
Help me make a good pun with either the name danielle or Penelope
While being tortured I was asked if I'd prefer to have either my arms or legs cut off.
Either I'm too tired or I'm just stupid, but can someone explain this pun to me because I don't get it.
GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?" DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.”
You're being PUNished for that either way...
My girlfriend was infatuated with roofing equipment so I gave her an ultimatum: it's either me or the equipment.
So, either they are Finnish or are Finished.
My wife groaned at this one (Not in the sexy way either...)
One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong.
Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago.
(At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in...)
Me: "Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian."
Wife: "What?! Why?"
Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'..."
Her eyes rolled so hard they detached.
Edit: Thanks for front page folks! Glad I could make you laugh (or groan...)
Edit 2: Thank you for the gold!
Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD!! Abort! Abort! Wee woo wee woo wee woo
Wii don't want to, either.
When we reached the narrow strip of land with sea on either side...
I knew Ithmus be the place.
My friend does the same two impressions in every party. He is either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman.
Maybe he’s Bourne with it. Maybe he’s Wolverine.
I ate Shrek for dinner last night. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible either...
I guess you could say it was meaty ogre
A vacuum cleaner either sucks, because it doesn’t suck... or doesn’t suck. Because it sucks.
Wow, that’s really high up there. I’m going to need either a ladder or a step stool.
He was gonna say it either way ....
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Clairvoyants are either really miserable or really angry
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