My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the ocean??
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no matchbox or lighter, what do they do?
They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A twist on the Car(go) space meme or whatever that is
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a ditch?
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
Idk if this is repost or not..
Don't pee on the seat, or urine trouble.
My dog is huge but he isn’t very good-looking, smart or obedient.
I suppose you could call him a Good Dane.
Everything in existence is either a potato or not a potato
Why was the man not bothered or upset that someone had stolen all his dried grapes?
He had no raisons to be...
what ya gonna cry or somthin?
I tried to stay awake last night, or as I call it...
Who's bigger ? Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger or their baby ?
Their baby. He's a little Bigger.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles!
To be or not to be a horse rider...
He's gonna reach there one way or an otter
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
A murder investigation or a murder investigating?
With no buses, trains, or taxis in sight, and my wife going into labor, I figured the only solution was a piggyback.
But she refused to give me one.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
Who came first? The man or the woman?
The man, after about 30 seconds.
Not a repost, it's a crosspost or something, anyway, enjoy.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level
I was asked by a friend how they can tell if a joke is a dad joke or not
I replied when it becomes apparent
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
They should count all the people in this country that make $40k a year or less
I'm not a dog person or a cat person. I'm both.
I went to the grocery store and the sign said no food or drinks inside.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
IntellectuaL or something like that IDK I'm not that smart
I inherited my dad's collection of shallow flat receptacles with a raised edge, used for carrying, holding, or displaying articles.
My buddy Earl has never been late to work, school, or any appointment. Want to know his secret?
Lock down MAY END by MAY END, or MAY NOT END by MAY END,as it MAY EXTEND....
But MAY will END, by MAY END, even if lockdown MAY NOT END.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
What’s faster—hot or cold?
Hot is, because you can catch a cold.
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no matches or lighter. What do they do?
They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
