My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
This wasn’t even a hard one. Not to stroke my own ego or anything.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Happy Easter or Happy Wester?
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
What could a furniture store call examples of seats for kitchen islands or bars?
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
Did you hear about the guy who has no feet or shins?
my wife said I had to choose between my two expensive hobbies: gardening, or audiophile
I agonized over the choice before realizing it was quite simple.
but of course, bose before hose!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I saw a Werewolf behind the bus stop last night....Or a really hairy homeless guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I don't know whether the chicken or the egg came first.
You could say I'm eggnostic.
What do you call a truck driver who knows a lot about the truck but can't read or write fluently?
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the ocean??
been an hour, either blew her Sock-rates off or id better Apollo-gize
My wife was fixing the length of my son's pants and I asked her how much that cost, was it a Chris, Luke or Liam?
She looked at me confused and said "What?"
I said, "I want to know how much that hem is worth."
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no matchbox or lighter, what do they do?
They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
How do you know if your goldfish is a girl or a boy?
Throw some food into the tank. If she eats the food, she is a girl, if he eats the food, it's a boy!
Idk if this is repost or not..
A twist on the Car(go) space meme or whatever that is
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a ditch?
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be called uncles
My dog is huge but he isn’t very good-looking, smart or obedient.
I suppose you could call him a Good Dane.
Don't pee on the seat, or urine trouble.
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
I believe instead of 911 or 112, in case of a medical emergency you should call 12345678
Because that's the proper First Aid number
what ya gonna cry or somthin?
Everything in existence is either a potato or not a potato
My wife was trying decide between sweep rowing [4 or 8 rowers, one oar each] and sculling [one rower, two oars].
I told her she had to choose one oar the other.
Tell me mommy, at first did you want a boy or a girl?
At first I just wanted to take a shower
Chemistry professor: Is it a good or bad thing that ice is less dense than (floats in) water?
Me: It wasn't good for the Titanic.
Why was the man not bothered or upset that someone had stolen all his dried grapes?
He had no raisons to be...
He's gonna reach there one way or an otter
I tried to stay awake last night, or as I call it...
What could a furniture store call examples of seats for kitchen islands or bars?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
What’s faster—hot or cold?
Hot is, because you can catch a cold.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles!
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no matches or lighter. What do they do?
They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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