I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
Why did NASA use numbers instead of letters for the Apollo series?
Because if Apollo-F crashed, they’d have to make an Apollo-G.
I accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked..
Now, it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?
Darth Ritis.
Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.
My wife says that I should worry about the brakes on my car instead of posting on Reddit
Shouldn’t the bedroom be called the Restroom instead of the bathroom?
I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
One day a man took his wife to a restaurant instead of a hospital
The restaurant had free delivery
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire...
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds
But they were very cagey about it.
My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”
Did you hear that they're replacing two letters of the alphabet? Instead of T, you have to say "Clowns". Instead of V, you need to say "Jokers". I refuse to use them, but I was singing the alphabet when they changed them, so I have a problem...
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with U.
What do Europeans eat instead of enchiladas?
My friend always told me to try different types of tea instead of drinking only Earl Grey.
I don't understand why anyone would use a club instead of a sword
Instead of water, I accidentally put RedBull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
What happens when you call 119 instead of 911?
The cop car comes in reverse
Why did the melons run away and get married instead of have a big church wedding like their parents wanted?
Because they could elope.
Laughing gas should be Helium instead of Nitrous Oxide.
Not only does it make your voice sound funny, but a bunch of it together goes He He He.
Going to treat myself to Velcro shoes, instead of laces.
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..
We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of ringing.
He is in for a rude awakening.
I call my toilet the jim instead of the john
That way I can tell people I go to the jim every morning.
What do you call a waterfall that goes up instead of down ?
I was going to make a bread joke instead of a cake day joke...
On reflection though, I don’t knead to as it would be seedy, half baked, would get me rolled, wouldn’t involve me using my loaf and would leave me open to all sort of bread based buns...
I've been working on not mansplaining and instead saying something positive. How has been going?
Did you hear about the two men who snorted curry powder instead of cocaine?
One of them has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.
Do people with narcolepsy snore like Mmm instead of Zzz?
I would assume they only got halfway through the alphabet before falling asleep!
What did the ship’s cat use instead of a litter box?
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick this morning.
She's still not speaking to me.
I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
I lost my pizza cutter so I had to use a Bryan Adams CD instead
In case anyone is wondering it cuts like a knife
So the other day I ordered some Kung Pao chicken, but I think it came with a side of pasta instead of rice
I was going to get a face tattoo but decided to get a neck tattoo instead.
I guess I’ll have to work my way up to it.
So I used to have an interest in coloring fabrics, but I decided to make puns instead.
Basically, if I couldn't make puns, I'd dye.
This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle
I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste
Why do I always cook my deer meat at medium rare instead of medium?
There is so much more flavor that way, It’s really a game changer.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
I wish we had ShowerThoughts over our morning meal instead,
So we could call them Breakfast Epiphanies
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
I accidentally played 'Dad' instead of 'Dead', when the bear attacked.
Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.
He’s in for a rude awakening.
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