In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?
What do you get when an alternating current and a direct current run into each other in a wire?
Why did the valet hate working in an alternate universe?
Because it was all parallel parking!
What's an alternative name for a pregnancy test ?
In an alternate universe, George Michael had an allergy to chocolate
He was killed by a careless Wispa
Why did the baker throw away the bread someone gave him?
Because he didn't knead it!
I want my brand to become THE dairy alternative for the post truth era.
The people believe in Fake Moos.
What marine animal is famous for their alternative hits?
What do you call Clint Barton when he does the laundry?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel's hair isn't chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
There's a vegan activist in my neighborhood; she's been replacing everyone's dairy milk with alternatives.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
My dad banned me from saying "Hell", so I asked: "Have you thought of any alternative names for hell?"
An Alternative To Trump's Wall
Why can't skeletons play church music?
They don't have any organs.
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
If you go into the bathroom an American, and you leave the bathroom an American, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
In an alternate universe, there’s probably a sentient kitchen wash basin knocking at your front door. Let that sink in,
The alternate endgame ending
Thanos: I am inevitable. Iron man: Hi inevitable I’m dad.
How does Yo-Yo Ma greet his neighbors in the morning?
Chello!
Alternatively:
What is Yo-Yo Ma's favorite dairy dessert?
Chello pudding!
So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said “I’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said “What are you going to do now?” ...
“Oh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
What did the lawyer use when he went fishing?
De’bait’!
or, alternate punchline:
Bating tactics!
I suddenly couldn't go out and act because I received lots of crates of materials...
Margarine is good
But it's not butter than the alternative
Though not a perfect solution, cryogenic storage could be an alternative to capital punishment.
For the past year, I’ve been going out drinking alternating between my friend Greg one week and my other friend Ian the next week.
I’m on a Greg-or-Ian calendar.
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
She gave me a BJ with some alternative rock playing in the background
I guess you can say I got some Radiohead
I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative.
It sure is hard to keep lit though.
"Have you considered using an alternative name for Hell?"
If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.
I'm trying to come up with an alternative name for a cash machine
But I can't think of one ATM.
Professor dint have this planned
Me: I am planning to start a cider business
She: any alternative plans if it doesn't work out?
Me: I haven't decidered yet!
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
What did God say when he created a 24 hour period of alternating day and night?
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