In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.
Why did the valet hate working in an alternate universe?
Because it was all parallel parking!
In an alternate universe, George Michael had an allergy to chocolate
He was killed by a careless Wispa
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel's hair isn't chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
The alternate endgame ending
Thanos: I am inevitable. Iron man: Hi inevitable I’m dad.
In an alternate universe, there’s probably a sentient kitchen wash basin knocking at your front door. Let that sink in,
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
What do you call Indiana Jones in an alternate universe where he can’t die?
An alternate title for Crazy Train could be
Did you know that an alternate version of the Harry Potter story exists where he is never a wizard?
In that version, Harry is a simpleton stable boy who assists Hagrid in repairing hollow straw vessels that Hagrid makes as a hobby, but which are bound to break pretty quick.
So he's basically a hay re-potter.
Would evil alternate-universe Spiderman be a bad parallel parker?
Alternate name for Spider-Man.
Why can't you run through a campsite? (Alternate ending)
Because the stakes are too high
I ordered some Yugioh cards from a store called Alternate Universes...
My dad saw the envelope and said "Alternate Universes? That postage must have been really expensive!"
If you bring back Australian gold from an alternate universe.
Alternate Interstellar Ending (spoilers)
http://gfycat.com/QuarterlyWhiteBedbug
What do you get when an alternating current and a direct current run into each other in a wire?
What's an alternative name for a pregnancy test ?
I want my brand to become THE dairy alternative for the post truth era.
The people believe in Fake Moos.
What marine animal is famous for their alternative hits?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
What do you call Clint Barton when he does the laundry?
There's a vegan activist in my neighborhood; she's been replacing everyone's dairy milk with alternatives.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Why can't skeletons play church music?
They don't have any organs.
What did the lawyer use when he went fishing?
De’bait’!
or, alternate punchline:
Bating tactics!
An Alternative To Trump's Wall
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
My dad banned me from saying "Hell", so I asked: "Have you thought of any alternative names for hell?"
Margarine is good
But it's not butter than the alternative
So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said “I’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said “What are you going to do now?” ...
“Oh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.
How does Yo-Yo Ma greet his neighbors in the morning?
Chello!
Alternatively:
What is Yo-Yo Ma's favorite dairy dessert?
Chello pudding!
Here is a pun for all my bible reading friends
In an alternate universe, God sends popeye down to speak to moses. When Moses asks Popeye who he is, he responds
"I yam who yam"
Though not a perfect solution, cryogenic storage could be an alternative to capital punishment.
If you go into the bathroom an American, and you leave the bathroom an American, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.
For the past year, I’ve been going out drinking alternating between my friend Greg one week and my other friend Ian the next week.
I’m on a Greg-or-Ian calendar.
Professor dint have this planned
Me: I am planning to start a cider business
She: any alternative plans if it doesn't work out?
Me: I haven't decidered yet!
I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative.
It sure is hard to keep lit though.
She gave me a BJ with some alternative rock playing in the background
I guess you can say I got some Radiohead
I suddenly couldn't go out and act because I received lots of crates of materials...
I'm trying to come up with an alternative name for a cash machine
But I can't think of one ATM.
"Have you considered using an alternative name for Hell?"
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
What did God say when he created a 24 hour period of alternating day and night?
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