What did God do after he created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness?
In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.
If there were months on an alternative “Planet-B”, would they be named the same?
How much does a chimney cost?
I don’t know, but it must be through the roof.
What do you get when an alternating current and a direct current run into each other in a wire?
My mates were thinking of alternative names for shampoo.
Why did the valet hate working in an alternate universe?
Because it was all parallel parking!
What's an alternative name for a pregnancy test ?
The Killer Ohms are attacking us!
WE MUST MAKE A RESISTANCE!
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel's hair isn't chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
I want my brand to become THE dairy alternative for the post truth era.
The people believe in Fake Moos.
What marine animal is famous for their alternative hits?
My goldfish named Nate died.
So, to not make my kids sad, I bought another goldfish. He was an alternate.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
When I first heard of gonorrhea...
I thought it was an anti-diarrhea medicine.
Why did the baker throw away the bread someone gave him?
Because he didn't knead it!
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
My dad banned me from saying "Hell", so I asked: "Have you thought of any alternative names for hell?"
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?
An alternative facts machine.
There's a vegan activist in my neighborhood; she's been replacing everyone's dairy milk with alternatives.
An Alternative To Trump's Wall
What do you call Clint Barton when he does the laundry?
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
In an alternate universe, there’s probably a sentient kitchen wash basin knocking at your front door. Let that sink in,
The alternate endgame ending
Thanos: I am inevitable. Iron man: Hi inevitable I’m dad.
So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said “I’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said “What are you going to do now?” ...
“Oh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.
For the past year, I’ve been going out drinking alternating between my friend Greg one week and my other friend Ian the next week.
I’m on a Greg-or-Ian calendar.
Though not a perfect solution, cryogenic storage could be an alternative to capital punishment.
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
What did the lawyer use when he went fishing?
De’bait’!
or, alternate punchline:
Bating tactics!
She gave me a BJ with some alternative rock playing in the background
I guess you can say I got some Radiohead
Margarine is good
But it's not butter than the alternative
"Have you considered using an alternative name for Hell?"
I'm trying to come up with an alternative name for a cash machine
But I can't think of one ATM.
I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative.
It sure is hard to keep lit though.
If you go into the bathroom an American, and you leave the bathroom an American, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
What did God say when he created a 24 hour period of alternating day and night?
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