When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 17 2021
So touching
π︎ 4k
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 07 2021
A buddy of mine named his dog β5 Milesβ so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
My printer was making music so I checked it out.
π︎ 159
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︎ Feb 03 2021
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
I snore so loudly...
It scares the shit out of the people I'm driving.
π︎ 217
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︎ Jan 31 2021
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
π︎ 163
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?
Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.
π︎ 69
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︎ Feb 06 2021
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
π︎ 110
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︎ Jan 15 2021
From my daughter (so proud)
When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.
π︎ 367
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
Itβs because they charge a lot.
π︎ 242
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
When you make unintended puns in another subreddit. So I guess they were intended after all.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I I couldnβt get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
π︎ 43
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
π︎ 58
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I went to a wedding that was so moving everyone was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
π︎ 395
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︎ Jan 08 2021
My girlfriend recently dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back
π︎ 51
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
So that is why...
π︎ 191
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
Whyβs Tesla so expensive?
Because they charge a lot
π︎ 62
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Perhaps this is why wood floors are so popular these days
π︎ 28
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︎ Feb 03 2021
So a frog walks into a bank
So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"
Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"
Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"
"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket
Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager
Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"
The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I was so ugly as a baby
when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 02 2021
And so Sam sung note 7
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
This pun is so bad, somebody should call The Police
π︎ 21
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︎ Feb 01 2021
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
π︎ 583
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Not so friendly after all
π︎ 48
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I'm so sorry.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 975
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︎ Dec 16 2020
My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.
"Really?"
"Sure," she said.
"It's the yeast I can do."
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 22 2021
In Iran, everyone is so very affaid of spiders..
.. but in Iraq no phobia.
π︎ 98
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
Why are French bakers so feared in battle?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.
π︎ 477
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I made the Judge laugh so hard
I was guilty of Mans laughter.
π︎ 73
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD.
π︎ 284
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Oh, so thatβs the reason!
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.
π︎ 101
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︎ Jan 08 2021
One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.
I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 26 2021
βHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?β
βNot sure. Let me check the logs.β
π︎ 112
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 510
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
My printer was making music so I checked it out
Turns out the paper was jamming
π︎ 91
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
Why are Teslaβs so expensive?
Because they charge. A lot.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I figured out why teslas cost so much.
Itβs because they charge a lot.
π︎ 101
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
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