When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
So touching
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Norwegian_Stick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A buddy of mine named his dog β€œ5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles

But today he ran over 5 Miles

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".

" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnusfeli
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My printer was making music so I checked it out.

The paper was jamming.

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StrokeMyAxe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I snore so loudly...

It scares the shit out of the people I'm driving.

πŸ‘︎ 217
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...

Orchid

πŸ‘︎ 163
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoobidyMcBoobidy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?

Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
From my daughter (so proud)

When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.

πŸ‘︎ 367
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryToHelpPeople
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.

It’s because they charge a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OPs_Mom_and_Dad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The wedding was so touching that

even the cake was in tiers.

Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anoobypro
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When you make unintended puns in another subreddit. So I guess they were intended after all.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElkSignal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sethibro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.

His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"

"Or should I spread them apart?"

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tis-a-pirate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to a wedding that was so moving everyone was crying.

Even the cake was in tiers.

πŸ‘︎ 395
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend recently dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
So that is why...
πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aidanexe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why’s Tesla so expensive?

Because they charge a lot

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterDistrict1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Perhaps this is why wood floors are so popular these days
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"

Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"

Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"

"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket

Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager

Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"

The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacksminecraftdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I was so ugly as a baby

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevononline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
And so Sam sung note 7
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldenpike
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This pun is so bad, somebody should call The Police
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedurtyjoo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.

πŸ‘︎ 583
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Not so friendly after all
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CARRAPATCHO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm so sorry.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_controller
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 975
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.

"Really?" "Sure," she said.

"It's the yeast I can do."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
In Iran, everyone is so very affaid of spiders..

.. but in Iraq no phobia.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.

This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxyCamoCat738
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are French bakers so feared in battle?

They're bread for pain

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/umikomorebi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.

πŸ‘︎ 477
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I made the Judge laugh so hard

I was guilty of Mans laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derkix5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD.

It cuts like a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 284
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh, so that’s the reason!
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skyline1_1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.

It was about time!!

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robconone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.

I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Will_MMIV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
β€œHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”

β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 510
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crossover131
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13harry09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My printer was making music so I checked it out

Turns out the paper was jamming

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoshi_hopps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are Tesla’s so expensive?

Because they charge. A lot.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I figured out why teslas cost so much.

It’s because they charge a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guitasketball
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report

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