I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Ebay is so useless
I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
So I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
My printer was making music so I checked it out.
Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving
I told him it's because they are stationary
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! 🤩
I hung around so long that I won the loitery.
Why do dogs float on water so easily?
Because they're good buoys.
My flatmate and I are single AF so I got her flours for valentines day....
I was walking with about 100 cows from one ranch to another and I had to pass through a vineyard so
I herded through the grapevine
Why are fisherman so good at geometry?
Because they're all Anglers.
I snore so loudly...
It scares the shit out of the people I'm driving.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
I asked my mom how are computers so smart
She answered:"Because they listen to their motherboards"
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?
Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
From my daughter (so proud)
When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
There are so many different things you can do with spaghetti.
It’s mind-blowing to think of all the pasta-bilities.
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
Why are nuns so predictable?
Because they're creatures of habit.
Aloe-v you so much little friend
I heard herb gardens grow better with classic rock in the background, so I played a Styx album on repeat.
Now I've got Too Much Thyme on My Hands.
I went to a wedding that was so moving everyone was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft??
Because he conditioned it. 😂
Why’s Tesla so expensive?
Because they charge a lot
My girlfriend recently dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back
Perhaps this is why wood floors are so popular these days
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
So a frog walks into a bank
So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"
Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"
Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"
"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket
Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager
Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"
The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"
I was so ugly as a baby
when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
I asked my dad why his ghost costume smells so bad.
He told me it was because he was covered in sheet.
My printer was making music so I checked it out
Turns out the paper was jamming
My printer started making music, so I checked it out...
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
Why are Tesla’s so expensive?
Because they charge. A lot.
I figured out why teslas cost so much.
It’s because they charge a lot.
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