Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
Because they work on many levels.
So I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
My flatmate and I are single AF so I got her flours for valentines day....
I was walking with about 100 cows from one ranch to another and I had to pass through a vineyard so
I herded through the grapevine
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?
Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.
Why does the rest of the Alphabet find A,E,I,O, and U so annoying?
So, earlier I was replanting my succulents and I offhandedly mentioned to my fiancé I'd like to do gardening shit with my sis...
He replied, "She'd be super helpful since she's a HOE."
#mypunssucc #punnyshit
My wife and I are making some artwork in the name of our favourite Bon Jovi song. So far we have the words "Livin' on".
So I started that Ketogenic diet and my bowel movements have improved drastically!
So this is just a “quality shit post”
I am sick and tired of people calling me lazy, so I'm going to kill myself.
But, the gun is all the way over there.
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
So last week i got myself in a bit of trouble when i mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
If people are coughing and sneezing so much outside…
Wouldn't that just be ap-pollen.
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.
I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...
The other 99 read balloons.
One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.
I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.
Screwing in some camera mounts and I dropped my drill, it came so close to hitting my daughter in the head...
Good thing it was only a drill!
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..
So I caught a frog and a toad having a great time in my backyard just the other day.
They were playing a game of croquet.
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says “they are knot holes”.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
I was cold and hungry, so I put my feet in front of the heater
I was talking to my neighbor's wife and she told me that her dog had bit her husband, so they had to put him down.
Then she asked if I could take out the trash weekly.
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
So, I’ve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I don’t buy into it.
I guess you could say that I’m anti-biotic.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son could go so far!”
I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
I know why beer and frog legs go together so well!
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
My buddy Ian is a strong proponent of state surveillance of citizens. I disagree and think it's a bad idea, so I said...
I've met this french business woman recently. She was so beautiful and so wealthy, I just couldn't resist her and her lovely
So it's 2021 now, then 2022, and then 2023.
I guess the vision for the future is getting worse.
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...
Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
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