I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
My fishing cat catfished me by fishing a cat instead of fish.
The FDA recently mandated that chocolate has to contain 12% cacao instead of the current 10%.
Looks like they're raising the chocolate bar.
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
Why do they say amen instead of awomen in church?
Because they sing hymns instead of hers.
My best friend couldn’t come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
I took my kid shopping and he asked me why cookies were $1.99 instead of $2.00
I looked at him bewildered and told him because $2.00 doesn't make cents.
What would’ve been a better name for the lion instead of King of the Jungle?
Tried to make a doll with a clock instead of an abdomen.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
I heard Santa was handing out matches instead of coal this year
Because they’re a little lighter.....
Instead of 'Happy New Year' I said 'good year' to my wife.
Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits.
I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean
Why do the English say they're bri ish instead of british?
Because since the incident in Boston, they've learned to hide their t.
I broke my bucket while gardening so I've been using a 2-litre bottle instead.
When places ran out of toilet paper people started buying paper towel instead
Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.
Why is the USA afraid to convert to using kilograms instead of pounds?
We're afraid of mass confusion!
My son joe asked why I was throwing doritos at a wall instead of using a sledgehammer.
I said, I don’t need that, I’m CHIPPING away at it.
To all the hardworking men who park our cars on February 14 instead of being with their girlfriends...
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of a Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.
So I went to my barber and told him "Instead of using scissors, use this old 80s hair metal band CD".
That is how I got my Mötley Crüe cut.
I ordered an atom but got an ion instead.
They replaced it free of charge.
My new girlfriend wants me to go to yoga classes with her instead of lifting
It just really isn’t working out
What do you call a unicorn with a corn cob instead of a horn
What kind of Bees produce milk instead of honey?
Have you heard what Japan have instead of alphabet soup?
There is a new Sith Lord who prefers to immobilize his enemies instead of killing them.
Why did the Egyptians stay in Egypt instead of move somewhere greener
A loaf of bread recently told me I should stop spending all my money on fancy coffee and invest in property instead...
My wife: Why don’t you stop telling terrible Dad jokes and write a book instead?
Me: That’s.....a novel idea.
What did the baker call his son when he baked muffins instead of scones?
Mount Rushmore was supposed to have 5 presidents instead of 4 because...
The artist forgot to plan ahead.
Instead of getting fit at the gym, my dad drinks soda.
He calls it fizzyotherapy.
Why do pirates always end up buying the Jolly Roger for their ships instead of choosing other designs?
It’s the only one that’s always on sail....
I asked my wife for an audio book this Christmas, but she got me an encyclopedia instead.
I ordered a meatball and got a hot ham and swiss instead.
Went to the local deli and ordered 1 lb of Swiss. The clerk gave me 3.5 lb instead.
I guess he went ham on that Swiss.
This year, instead of cookies and milk, leave Pierogi and vodka.
After all, Santa is North Polish.
Why isn’t there a super hero that instead of being bitten by a spider and getting a spider sense, gets bitten by lice and get a lice sense to kill?
I tried to cook dinner for my wife, but I accidentally added washing soda instead of baking soda.
She’s foaming at the mouth.
Guy chose a crossbow instead of a bow.
What do you call a crazy person that doesn’t say any words and makes sounds instead?
I'm thinking of studying aerodynamics, but there's a chance I'll go into meteorology instead.
It's still up in the air.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
I played dad instead of dead when I saw a bear...
Now he can ride a bike with no training wheels
Pizza Hut Online’s example name is John Dough, instead of John Doe.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
What happens to a tree when you give it soda instead of water?
I gave my daughter money to go buy a dog at the pet store. She disobeyed and came back with a cat instead.
You’ve got to be kitten me.
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
Her: what took you long? Me: you dont say. I just had a chat with our son bout how he should be wearing a proper underwear instead of diapers,
It was just a brief discussion.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.
it's currently half empty
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
Had a few drinks, he is a cool guy, wants to be a Web developer.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a ride awakening.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
So we went out and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.credits
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he’s a web designer.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
My wife told me take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
My wife told me to take the spider outside instead of killing hime
so I did. we went out. had a few drinks. real nice guy.
hes a web designer.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick.
She still isn't talking to me
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? 🐝🍯
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
Tonight is our third date, he's a cool guy. He's an aspiring web designer.
My wife just told me, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s ...... a novel idea.”
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was a rude awakening.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
