A piece of string walks into a bar
Immediately the bartender tells him to get out "We don't serve pieces of string here!"
The piece of string is a bit disappointed, but has an idea. He ruffles his top and returns to the bar.
"I told you to get out. We don't serve pieces of string here!" said the bartender
The string replies "A piece of string ?? I'm a frayed knot!"
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I'm starting my new job as a human chess piece.
The money is great. I'm on knights next week.
More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,
along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.
Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on a piece of pizza?
He ate it before it was cool
Why did the torn piece of paper beat the regular piece of paper in a fight
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
In the Bahamas a piece of pie costs $2.75, in Jamaica a pice of pie costs $3.25.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
I owed my friend $20 so I gave a few dollars, some loose change, and a few small pieces of fried chicken
Never make love to a thin piece of wood without using protection.
If you forget, you might get a veneereal disease.
I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.
I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture.
Best piece of clothing I own!
I put a piece of wood in my garage and came back the next day and there were two pieces. The day after 4 and the day after that 8!
I don't know what I ate lastnight, but when I woke up, I crapped out a sparkwheel, a valve, a spring, and a piece of flint.
Afterwards, I felt a little lighter.
What is the Latin word for "one-piece bathing suit"?
Last night I ate a piece of string
I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...
What do you call an overcooked piece of beef?
What do you get when you fold a piece of junk mail into a paper airplane?
What did the sushi piece say to the other sushi piece?
My two sons were throwing scrabble pieces at each other.
My wife said, "It's all fun until someone loses an "I".
Everyone should own a good piece of neckwear
It can really tie an outfit together
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don’t have much of a case.
My dog swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces
When he goes to the bathroom it could spell trouble.
I joined to pieces of metal today without nuts and bolts or welding
The whole process was riveting
What is a half-life fan's favorite piece of farm equipment?
Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.
Wife: I don’t need your advise!
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.
"6 please. I could never eat 12."
What is T-Pain's favorite piece of clothing?
I tried to invent an indestructible piece of paper. It didn't go well...
Someone threw a piece of a brick through my window last night
The police aren’t helping because there isn’t enough concrete evidence.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
I wrote a bad joke on a piece of paper
What do you call an Ignorant Piece of Toast
A guy walks into a bar to find pieces of meat hanging above him…
He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, “If you can jump up and hit one, you’ll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!”
The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Did you know that if you took the Eiffel Tower apart and laid each piece end to end...
you could go to jail for a very long time?
I was stacking wood and a piece fell and tried to hit me
He was all bark and no bite
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...
I think I’ll call it “Mr. Holland’s Opus”
Getting rid of an annoying crease on a piece of paper is pretty easy.
All you have to do is wait, eventually it’ll crease to exist!
As the evil nano-bots swarmed the superhero’s wrist-based time piece, he exclaimed...
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.
It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.
I've just been offered a job as a human chess piece...
The money is good.
I'm on knights this week.
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"