A piece of string walks into a bar
Immediately the bartender tells him to get out "We don't serve pieces of string here!"
The piece of string is a bit disappointed, but has an idea. He ruffles his top and returns to the bar.
"I told you to get out. We don't serve pieces of string here!" said the bartender
The string replies "A piece of string ?? I'm a frayed knot!"
π︎ 21
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
I'm starting my new job as a human chess piece.
The money is great. I'm on knights next week.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,
along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.
Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on a piece of pizza?
He ate it before it was cool
π︎ 151
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
Why did the torn piece of paper beat the regular piece of paper in a fight
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
Itβs my jingle bell rock.
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
In the Bahamas a piece of pie costs $2.75, in Jamaica a pice of pie costs $3.25.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
I owed my friend $20 so I gave a few dollars, some loose change, and a few small pieces of fried chicken
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
Never make love to a thin piece of wood without using protection.
If you forget, you might get a veneereal disease.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.
I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
Best piece of clothing I own!
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
I put a piece of wood in my garage and came back the next day and there were two pieces. The day after 4 and the day after that 8!
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
I don't know what I ate lastnight, but when I woke up, I crapped out a sparkwheel, a valve, a spring, and a piece of flint.
Afterwards, I felt a little lighter.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
What is the Latin word for "one-piece bathing suit"?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
Last night I ate a piece of string
π︎ 40
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
Rest in pieces
π︎ 192
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
What do you call an overcooked piece of beef?
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
What do you get when you fold a piece of junk mail into a paper airplane?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
What did the sushi piece say to the other sushi piece?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
My two sons were throwing scrabble pieces at each other.
My wife said, "It's all fun until someone loses an "I".
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Everyone should own a good piece of neckwear
It can really tie an outfit together
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I donβt have much of a case.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
My dog swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces
When he goes to the bathroom it could spell trouble.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
I joined to pieces of metal today without nuts and bolts or welding
The whole process was riveting
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
What is a half-life fan's favorite piece of farm equipment?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
Wife: Iβm trying to cut a piece of wood, but it wonβt stay in place.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my companyβs logo on it.
Wife: I donβt need your advise!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.
"6 please. I could never eat 12."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
What is T-Pain's favorite piece of clothing?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
I tried to invent an indestructible piece of paper. It didn't go well...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Someone threw a piece of a brick through my window last night
The police arenβt helping because there isnβt enough concrete evidence.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
I wrote a bad joke on a piece of paper
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
What do you call an Ignorant Piece of Toast
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
A guy walks into a bar to find pieces of meat hanging above himβ¦
He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, βIf you can jump up and hit one, youβll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!β
The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, βNah, the steaks are too high.β
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
Did you know that if you took the Eiffel Tower apart and laid each piece end to end...
you could go to jail for a very long time?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
I was stacking wood and a piece fell and tried to hit me
He was all bark and no bite
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought Iβd write the lead actor an orchestral piece...
I think Iβll call it βMr. Hollandβs Opusβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Getting rid of an annoying crease on a piece of paper is pretty easy.
All you have to do is wait, eventually itβll crease to exist!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
As the evil nano-bots swarmed the superheroβs wrist-based time piece, he exclaimed...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.
Itβs true I saw it with my own eyes.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I've just been offered a job as a human chess piece...
The money is good.
I'm on knights this week.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 27 2020
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