A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender β1 for me, and 1 for the roadβ
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︎ May 17 2021
Just One Piece...
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︎ May 20 2021
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
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︎ May 10 2021
My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
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︎ May 13 2021
Would a movie about the invention of the Tampon be a... period piece?
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︎ May 22 2021
What do you call it when you only have a little butter left and you use it all on one last piece of toast?
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︎ May 27 2021
What rank did the piece of corn hold in the military?
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︎ May 10 2021
What do you call a piece of magical toast?
π︎ 6
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︎ May 27 2021
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
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︎ Apr 20 2021
what do you call it when you put a baby on a piece of 4x4?
π︎ 8
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︎ May 23 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
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︎ Dec 03 2020
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record
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︎ Apr 24 2021
Did you hear about the piece of toast at the Zoo?
It was bread in captivity
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︎ May 03 2021
A piece of string walks into a bar
Immediately the bartender tells him to get out "We don't serve pieces of string here!"
The piece of string is a bit disappointed, but has an idea. He ruffles his top and returns to the bar.
"I told you to get out. We don't serve pieces of string here!" said the bartender
The string replies "A piece of string ?? I'm a frayed knot!"
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Losing weight is a piece of cake
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
Itβs my jingle bell rock.
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︎ Oct 17 2020
I'm starting my new job as a human chess piece.
The money is great. I'm on knights next week.
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 02 2021
Mouse1, "You see that piece of cheese on the trap?"
Mouse2, "Yeah"
Mouse1,"Its to die for."
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 21 2021
I matched with a piece of steak and went out with it.
You could say that it was "meat" cute.
π︎ 2
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︎ May 03 2021
Some pieces of technology have such great design...
Like when I used a mouse for the first time it just clicked!
π︎ 14
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on a piece of pizza?
He ate it before it was cool
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︎ Feb 25 2021
More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,
along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.
Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Why did the torn piece of paper beat the regular piece of paper in a fight
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Best piece of clothing I own!
π︎ 36
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.
I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 04 2021
In the Bahamas a piece of pie costs $2.75, in Jamaica a pice of pie costs $3.25.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I owed my friend $20 so I gave a few dollars, some loose change, and a few small pieces of fried chicken
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 31 2021
Never make love to a thin piece of wood without using protection.
If you forget, you might get a veneereal disease.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I don't know what I ate lastnight, but when I woke up, I crapped out a sparkwheel, a valve, a spring, and a piece of flint.
Afterwards, I felt a little lighter.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Rest in pieces
π︎ 193
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︎ Dec 04 2020
What is the Latin word for "one-piece bathing suit"?
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Last night I ate a piece of string
π︎ 37
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︎ Feb 19 2021
What do you call an overcooked piece of beef?
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 27 2021
What do you get when you fold a piece of junk mail into a paper airplane?
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 16 2021
What did the sushi piece say to the other sushi piece?
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 21 2021
My two sons were throwing scrabble pieces at each other.
My wife said, "It's all fun until someone loses an "I".
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Everyone should own a good piece of neckwear
It can really tie an outfit together
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 28 2021
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 30 2020
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I donβt have much of a case.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 04 2021
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.
"6 please. I could never eat 12."
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 18 2020
I joined to pieces of metal today without nuts and bolts or welding
The whole process was riveting
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My dog swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces
When he goes to the bathroom it could spell trouble.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Wife: Iβm trying to cut a piece of wood, but it wonβt stay in place.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my companyβs logo on it.
Wife: I donβt need your advise!
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Someone threw a piece of a brick through my window last night
The police arenβt helping because there isnβt enough concrete evidence.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
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