I told me son he was a big pile of sheet

It was more of a blanket statement.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cauterberri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the sheet factory?

It folded

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23
🚨︎ report
I bought a discount bed sheet off of Facebook.

Turned out to be a sham...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grimstache
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
I wanted to try a different method when putting sheets on my bed

But I just made it up as I went along.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
I had an employee at the hotel that ironed the bed sheets. I noticed that as the days wore on, the number of sheets ironed was going down.

Her job performance was de-creasing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
A freak in the sheets.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/7sterling
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
Have You Ever Tried to Fold a Fitted Sheet?

It's pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calicorpse
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
Dryer sheet
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bad-gamer35
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
Gloria in Excel sheets Deo
πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnny2_yespapa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone keeps putting very thin sheet metal around my garden...

They keep foiling my plot!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...

... it’s ok but, we recovered.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
... in Excel sheet Deo!
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatostomach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I just want to wear a sheet out in public

Is that sarong?

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ja-mez
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Wow I was a wreck last night -- t-shirt under sweat clothes, under two cotton sheets, under a polypropylene comforter, and a quilt on top of that! I could NOT get warm!

I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I didn't have that can of Pringles in the cupboard....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Oh Sheet.
πŸ‘︎ 472
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamees007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the blind man say after reading his first music sheet?

This SHEEEET bumps.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SyncingShiip
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I watched an interesting documentary about how to fasten two sheets of metal together.

It was riveting.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RegalBen56
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Oh sheet.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MovinPerera
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm way, way too proud of my company's April Fool's bit: YOUcalyptusβ„’, a brand new brand by Sheets & Gigglesβ„’ imgur.com/gallery/JolTuiG
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SheetsGiggles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.

She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I lost my job as a sheet metal worker.

I don't know what happened but I gave it my awl.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollonius_Cone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I once played Texas Hold Em against a sheet of paper.

It folded.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the sheet music theft know how to steal music so well?

He started off by taking notes

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavdHale
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Had to thank my neighbour for letting me borrow her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARedTechz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I just finished a great documentary about the process by which metal sheets are fastened together with steel bolts.

It was riveting.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_iraq_such_as
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
*covers face with sheets*

FiBEr OPtiCks

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fat-bandit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
They just don’t give a sheet . . .
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dweeston
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I was talking to my boyfriend about difficult it was for my band to sight read sheet music by Stevie Wonder.

He said "of course it's hard, he was blind you know!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vsaholic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I once accidentally sat down on a sheet of glass

It was a massive pane in my ass

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Idlehackss
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Is a Sheet Rocker...

a Ghost with a guitar?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I just watched a video on joining two pieces of sheet metal together. It was riveting.

I didn't watch the hole thing though. That would be boring.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichardHuman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife was asking where the baking sheet for pizzas was...

I responded, "Well, I dunno, but if it was a pizza sheet, then I probably threw it away."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I had the same sheets on my bed for five years, but last night they ripped. Today I put new sheets on my bed.

I shed a tear.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilNHoles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
What did one sheet of plywood say to the one right next to it?

We’re totally screwed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roguespectre67
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2017
🚨︎ report
I tried telling a bunch of jokes about knocked-over plywood sheets.

They all fell flat.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Philboyd_Studge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
🚨︎ report
People keep telling me that sheets and comforters are so great.

But I think those are just blanket statements.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KyleMistry
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2013
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sheet set where the fitted sheet doesn’t match the flat sheet?

Fraternal twin sheets

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mjm077
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I walked into my dad while holding a bunch of sheet music...

Him: hey looks like you scored big time!

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linktothenow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I needed new sheets..
πŸ‘︎ 501
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maredaboxer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife wanted me to pick up some drier sheets from the store

I was compiling a shopping list for things to pick up from the store when I asked my wife if there was anything she could think of to add.

"I don't know... Dryer sheets?"

"Dryer sheets? The ones on the bed right now seem pretty dry, I don't know how much drier the ones at the store will be..."

Classic.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhillipFaustus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2015
🚨︎ report
I ask my students, "Can I write 'Your Name' on your sign off sheet?"...

135 lab students over the semester. How many suckers come to me to sign off their work without having their name at the top of their sign off sheets. So.. as a Dad I have my solution:

I ask my students, "Can I write 'Your Name' on your sign off sheet?"...

In a beautiful cursive flourish I write: YOUR NAME

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/polarc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad worked in sheet metal for many years. Now I work in a metal fabrication shop.

Guess you could say I come from a pretty weld to do family

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kowboooy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow I have to take my Q40 into the dealership for an oil change, then pick up new bed sheets and some towels.

To Infiniti, and Bed Bath & Beyond!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OPs_Mom_and_Dad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were folding sheets...

She said "This one's queen. It goes in the guest room."

"Of course it's queen, it just came out of the wash!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drumlogan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

  • Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

  • Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

  • Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

  • Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

  • Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

  • Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

  • Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

  • Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

  • Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

  • A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  • It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

  • To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

  • I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

  • A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

  • A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
🚨︎ report
"When do you get a balanced sheet?"

"After eating a balanced diet."

This came back to me today for some reason. Thought I'd share.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttsinthebushes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Wife had a bunch of bacon on a cookie sheet...

...and I said "looks like you're doing some bakin!" Oooohhhhh the look I got...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brothwell0403
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
🚨︎ report
The Boyfriend put queen sized sheets on our full sized mattress. He came out of the room and hit me with this:

"There ya go, now we have plenty of sheet to fight over."

bahaha. Congratulations silly boyfriend - you're goin' on the internets.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SalivatingMoron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
🚨︎ report
My boss put a post-it on the sign-out sheet saying "watch your dates everyone!"

I put a post-it next to it saying "but I only have prunes!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-rabid-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report

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