Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again

Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ewormPL
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pirate who set sail over 12 hours ago?

Long Gone Silver

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AScotHasNoName
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Ropes were invented by boat companies to raise sails
πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeaboy123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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Hopefully I can still sail on it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiamGTodMoc
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download β€œCome Sail Away” or β€œSatisfaction” on ITunes. β€œTurn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report
As I sail away from the island of lollipops...

...never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known.

"So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agent25522
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I won't loose the sails captain!

I will knot!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arklaw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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All of these are for sail
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevincredible22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife got so teary-eyed you can probably sail a boat in her eyelids

Quite the crises

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
When did the captain want to set sail?

schooner rather than freighter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotbuttbiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
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I had been sailing for days when I came across an ocean of pies.

I called it The Piecific Ocean.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EurekaK
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
I tried to take my dog sailing, but he wouldn't go.

As it turns out, my dog has his own barque.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
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I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...

I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My ship was sailing North but then it suddenly veered West and hit another ship...

It was an occident, I swear!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the opera singer go sailing?

They wanted to hit the high Cs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?

The mast, because it has the pole-position.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyK1w1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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My grandfather used to wake up very early every morning to go sailing.

When I asked him why so early, he replied with "the schooner, the better!"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/armlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve started making small boats in my attic...

Sails are through the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mpdehnel
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull...

It's just a berth mark, he swears.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus

Sails have gone through the roof

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SHAGGZY101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?

His sails went through the roof

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RavenxMiyagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
If I could describe my time sailing...

It would be swell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbneumann13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly star

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
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You can say plain sailing, but you can't say boat flying.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMDRShamx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
need a punny name for a sailing ship, winter/ice related
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissingFrames
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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This quarantine has provided me the perfect opportunity to start a yacht making company in my attic...

Sails are through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/void_burglar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
I just bought a cruise vacation!

Couldn't help it. It was too good of a sail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Isntitabouttime69
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
I got arrested while sailing the other day because I dropped anchor on a fish.

I told the police it was an accident, but they said it was on porpoise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm sailing on the Mediterranean right now and I see storm clouds to the south.

I guess the rain's down in Africa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ridley_Himself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who got lost sailing from Marin County to Catalina Island?

He left his chart in San Francisco.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eroe777
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
When is the best time to go sailing?

Windsday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cavemanku
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
If Al Pacino owned & sailed his own boat, he would be...

Cap Pacino

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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Yesterday I bought two boats at an amazing price. Heavily discounted because they didn't have motors.

They were on sail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dimer0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
Why do pirates always end up buying the Jolly Roger for their ships instead of choosing other designs?

It’s the only one that’s always on sail....

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sethbacca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I was talking to a friend about sailing

And he said today is going to be 15 knots, I replied β€œthat’s probably enough to tie a boat down”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/de_dFang
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I just started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are already through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadJoker1988
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Sailing, in a nutshell

http://tomb666666.tumblr.com/image/153908879669

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
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I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my dad about it.

He said there was a great sail

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacobob3831
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Step 1: Name your dog 5 miles.

Step 2: Brag that you walk 5 miles every day

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I was so giddy to type this out
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/henriley
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I started a boat-building business in my attic ...

Now sails are going through the roof

Source: New York Times Crossword Puzzle, Tuesday Sept 24, 2019, 6 Down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/some_lerker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t believe in boats

I have yacht to see one

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caitlynnus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the pirate get his ship so cheaply?

It was on sail!

πŸ‘︎ 833
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zammba
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I was struggling to find a sale on boating equipment. Eventually I did find one.

But it was an oar deal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/friday-the-horse
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Nah mate
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumboBoii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
🚨︎ report
One of my dad's few true "dad jokes"

My dad doesn't have a traditional "dad joke" sense of humor, but this one was great. My family was driving to church one day and my sister noticed an empty jar under one of the seats. My sister asked why it was there, but she phrased it as, "what's this?" My dad replied, with a mischievous grin, "it's sailboat fuel."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamTMartian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the the fifth captain drop out of the sailing race?

He had a sense of four boating.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crotchfirefly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2011
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?

It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCovarr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I'd tell you my sailing joke...

...but it's a bit long-winded.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pardonmyfranton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?

So when they come back to port they can...

Scandinavian

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePoeticElixir
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Happy Father's Day! On which lake will dad and I go out sailing?

Whatever floats his boat.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tree_Gordon_Fiddy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
🚨︎ report
I've started a small business building boats in my attic

Sails are going through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jebpeter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I found a bunch of old jokes I made if you want to read them.

What do you call a boat that can sell you something. A sails man. My friend asked for something to write with, I said β€œpen or pencil”. He said it depens. I went to a fan contest. The winner blew away the competition. My friend got married to a torch. You could say she was the light of his life. After going through these jokes I now hate myself.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gutted-melon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Pirates found a trove of treasure and brought four chests aboard...

They put them in the hold and, as it was fair weather, didn't strap them down.

However, as they sailed on, they hit a storm, the ship knocked back and forth.

The captain went down to check on the treasure to find it sliding around the deck.

As a crewman asked how bad it was, the captain replied...

"Booty! Booty! Booty! Booty! Rocking everywhere!"

[This is probably my worst joke yet]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a great deal on an upside down boat.

It was on sail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goreblaster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crazylegs_Ohooley
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat....

He never could resist a good sail.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForsakenLandscape
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently opened a yacht business in my attic

Sails are through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lordranch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
When do you buy a ship?

When it's on sale.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/launchedcar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I started a ship building business in my attic

Sails are going through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimonDanziger
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I've started a business making boats in my attic...

Sails are going through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dcsco
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just turn it over and it's capsized

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehSniper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Harvard Sailing Team - Intervention: Unfunny Dad youtube.com/watch?v=y10Dh…
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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I got this speedboat real cheap.

It was on sail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elokwins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My buddy founded a canoe business that’s really taking off.

I had the same idea, but I missed the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devnodegree
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I've started a ship building business out of my garage.

Sails have gone through the roof

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πŸ‘€︎ u/howeynick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
(Wife and I laying in bed, dog walks in the room wanting to jump on said bed) Wife: Pretend we're not here

Me: (Sits straight up) Arrgh Mateys!! Are you ready to sail the ocean blue!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VM3Bane
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the merchant buy a ship?

Because it was on sail.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BartholomewDan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My buddy recently opened a boat-building workshop in his attic.

Sails are going through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyle_is_okay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I love boat shopping

Especially when the sails are on

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
The boat shop was having a huge discount on all their Galleons and Brigantines for Black Friday this year.

It was the biggest sail event they’ve ever had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ravenclaw_VIII
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I quite my job and have started building catamarans in my attic.

Sails are through the roof.

Edit: Dammit...misspelled quit

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarterLawler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report
The story of Captain Bravado

A long time ago, a pirate, named Captain Bravado, was sailing the sea with his fellow pirate friends.

One day, as he was sailing the sea, an enemy ship approched. His crew was really nervous.

He said: "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first man who heard the order got him his red shirt. They went to war and killed all the enemy pirates. That night, his crew asked why he wanted a red shirt.

He said: "If I had been hit during the fight, you wouldn't have seen my blood."

All his men were looking at him with admiration. The next day, at dawn, 10 ships approched Captain Bravado's vessel. His men were horrified. They were waiting for his order.

He said: "Bring me my brown pants !"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What is it called when an aircraft crashes into the sea?

Plane Sailing. Obviously.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBackstreetNet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Dealing with some shit

I live on a sail boat and started what I thought would be a small project. I wanted to ensure that my toilet plumbing was working correctly before having a guest over so I turned on my macerator and began pumping clear water through the system to clean the toilet and clear the system completely. For those that don’t know, a macerator is basically a garbage disposal like you would have in your kitchen sink buttttt for your poop. It cuts up your poop and toilet paper so that it can be discarded over board in smaller pieces. Of course the pump wasn’t working correctly so I detached some plumbing, looked into the macerator motor and got way more into it than I had planned for. My guest was on her way and I didn’t want to necessarily tell her what I was dealing with because I didn’t want to gross her out. When she showed up I was just putting stuff away and had finished the project. Of course she asked what I was working on, I proclaim β€œ oh I just needed to deal with some shit” and left it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lzrdkng421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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My son has always wanted a boat, so I got him one for his birthday.

I wasn't going to buy it at first, but then I saw that it was on sail!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/just_some_waffle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the pirate store so successful?

They had the biggest sails!

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/all_three_bolth
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Why are pirates such good businessmen?

Because they know how to raise their sails.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_merchant96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
🚨︎ report
When's the best time to buy a boat?

When they're on sail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcdcwassup
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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A scuba diver and a marine sit at the port

The scuba diver turns to the marine and says "I can't handle this job anymore, I undergo too much pressure"

The marine looks at the diver and tells him "It may be hard now, but once you get used to it it'll all be smooth sailing"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kiwi-the-Kiwi
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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my manager got me with a dad joke, so i retaliated with another

Me: "where is the nearest Argos?" Man.: "i don't know, should be easy to find though just look for the tall ship"

Me: "what? Tall ship?" Man.: "yeah! Well it is a pirates favourite shop!!"

head hits desk

Man.: smirking to himself "why do you need one anyway?" Me: slowly raises head smiling "they're doing a really great sail!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dexmonster92
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
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Courtesy of my dad this morning

Do you think after Noah set sail on the ark he said "Barn-voyage"?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willmill445
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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I've started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwhiteboy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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If a miniature ship has a 3ft mast..

Could you call that a yard sail?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bold_Archaic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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The conversation that almost got me kicked off the boat

I was on a very nice boat party with my friend, his father and a group of their high class friends. We were in lake Pontchartrain in New Orleans, and one of the elitist sailors was trying to determine if I was seaworthy and see if I even knew where I was.

I said "Sure thing", started pointing left "over there is the port of New Orleans", now pointing to the right "and over here is the starboard of New Orleans".

My friend's dad heard the joke, and while laughing a bit he told me "One more bad joke and I'm kicking you off". To which I replied, "You're right, I should have let the opportunity sail away."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SendMeASmile
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
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I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year

The sails are going through the roof

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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A man built a submarine.

Tested it on Monday and it worked great, so he spent Tuesday - Thursday sailing it around. On Saturday the bow ruptured and it sank. The man sighed, shook his head and mumbled "shoulda known".

What caused the sub to fail?

The weekend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
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Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download β€œCome Sail Away” or β€œSatisfaction”. It’s perfectly safe to download β€œTurn, Turn, Turn”

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but Byrds will never hurt you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

They wanted to hit the high Cs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krystx57
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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I started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are through the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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I started a business building Yachts in my attic

Sails are through the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mallander
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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I started a boat-building business in my attic.

Now sails are going through the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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How did the pirate get his ship so cheaply?

It was on sail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lotlizard4life
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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