I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.'
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:
No, the steaks are too high!
"You want a piece of me?"
- Me walking around the Transplant Ward.
The other day, my hot friend told me he could sign a piece of paper with his hotness.
Me, being fed up with him always boasting, I asked," How could you even do that?"
With a smug smile plastered on his face, he replied," Thermal Signature."
Me: I lost a piece of toast at the zoo.
My friend: so it’s bread in captivity?
Me: crying no it landed on the sidewalk.
I went to the zoo today and saw a piece of toast in a cage? The zoo keeper told me...
That it's bread in captivity.
Sorry.
My 4yo daughter was playing ice cream shop, pretending that little pieces of chalk were the ice cream flavors. She asked me what flavor I wanted
I don’t understand why someone dumped a bunch of jigsaw pieces on me...
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!
"Hey man can you give me that piece of paper?"
I went to the doctors for the first time in a while. He told me that I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass.
I told him that was just the tip of the iceberg
My girlfriend was eating some cheese and salami on crackers. She accidentally cut off a very large piece of the Salami. I told her it was a muenster. She just stared at me flatly so I apologized.
I told her I was sorry for such a cheesy joke.
This bloke just threw a piece of cheese at me, so I said..
My neighbor is moving. He offered to sell me a 50ft piece of rope for $1, but I refused.
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
My daughter told me that she and her husband paid $50,000 for a piece of land to build their new house on.
I told her that sounded like a lot.
My lumberjack friend occasionally gives me pieces of wood to build my home furniture .
It’s his random axe of kindness.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry, this is a piece of cake!”...
... I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
My dad told to eat a piece of corn. I replied "sorry I corn't" Then after he gave me the corn, I looked him in the eye and said "that was a pretty corny joke"
My dad placed a piece of paper with the word “joke” written on it on me.
My friends always make fun of me for driving a car that looks like a piece of fruit
Let me give you a free piece of advice:
You get what you pay for.
My friend’s girlfriend wrote “Will you marry me?” on a piece of paper and hid it in his sandwich. Bad news: He didn’t see it and ate the whole thing.
Good news: He pooped the question the next morning.
My 3yo Daughter came up to me saying her dolly was cold so I tore her off a piece of paper towel. She then said daddy this is a napkin.
I assure her it was quilted
My wife told me to put two pieces of wood together
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
When my boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together... I totally nailed it!
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