I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.'

Obviously a sham rock.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:

No, the steaks are too high!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mferrari24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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"You want a piece of me?"

- Me walking around the Transplant Ward.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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The other day, my hot friend told me he could sign a piece of paper with his hotness.

Me, being fed up with him always boasting, I asked," How could you even do that?"

With a smug smile plastered on his face, he replied," Thermal Signature."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RespectfulRat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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I went to the zoo today and saw a piece of toast in a cage? The zoo keeper told me...

That it's bread in captivity.

Sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkBlueMullet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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Me: I lost a piece of toast at the zoo.

My friend: so it’s bread in captivity?

Me: crying no it landed on the sidewalk.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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My 4yo daughter was playing ice cream shop, pretending that little pieces of chalk were the ice cream flavors. She asked me what flavor I wanted

Chalkolate

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I don’t understand why someone dumped a bunch of jigsaw pieces on me...

I was puzzled.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.

Totally nailed it.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pancake_Pollack
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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"Hey man can you give me that piece of paper?"

Yeah brochure.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsNoot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!

It was a slice of Life.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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I went to the doctors for the first time in a while. He told me that I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass.

I told him that was just the tip of the iceberg

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclecandypockets
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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You want a piece of me?
πŸ‘︎ 530
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GentlemanJorge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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My girlfriend was eating some cheese and salami on crackers. She accidentally cut off a very large piece of the Salami. I told her it was a muenster. She just stared at me flatly so I apologized.

I told her I was sorry for such a cheesy joke.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyranous13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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This bloke just threw a piece of cheese at me, so I said..

..that's mature.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pooop_hard
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My neighbor is moving. He offered to sell me a 50ft piece of rope for $1, but I refused.

I hate long good buys.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.

Probably why I’m the only child.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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My daughter told me that she and her husband paid $50,000 for a piece of land to build their new house on.

I told her that sounded like a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/upandattem
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad told to eat a piece of corn. I replied "sorry I corn't" Then after he gave me the corn, I looked him in the eye and said "that was a pretty corny joke"

Groans all round.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
🚨︎ report
My lumberjack friend occasionally gives me pieces of wood to build my home furniture .

It’s his random axe of kindness.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry, this is a piece of cake!”...

... I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samrf1202
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad placed a piece of paper with the word β€œjoke” written on it on me.

β€œHaha! Joke’s on you!”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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My friends always make fun of me for driving a car that looks like a piece of fruit

At least I avocado

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghstmnky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Let me give you a free piece of advice:

You get what you pay for.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikephirman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend’s girlfriend wrote β€œWill you marry me?” on a piece of paper and hid it in his sandwich. Bad news: He didn’t see it and ate the whole thing.

Good news: He pooped the question the next morning.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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My 3yo Daughter came up to me saying her dolly was cold so I tore her off a piece of paper towel. She then said daddy this is a napkin.

I assure her it was quilted

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xRussianbishop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to put two pieces of wood together

Nailed it !!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amithothunk
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.

I totally nailed it!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/udrys
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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When my boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together... I totally nailed it!
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2017
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