A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
... and as you can see, they were Wright
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︎ Jan 18 2021
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
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︎ Nov 16 2020
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.
Itβs just a curd to me.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
I made this up a couple of minutes ago
What do you call an ant that has a lot of alternatives?
A vari-ant
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︎ Jan 17 2021
I got a new haircut a week ago
I didnβt like it then, but it is starting to grow on me
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︎ Jan 24 2021
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.
The bitch took all the other box sets.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
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︎ Nov 27 2020
10 years ago I married my best friend
Our wives are still mad about it but we were drunk and thought it was funny
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
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︎ Dec 07 2020
My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.
RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".
After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.
One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars
"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast.
She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.
He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:
RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...
... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.
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︎ Nov 06 2020
2 years ago my doctor told me Iβd go deaf
I havenβt heard from him since.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
My dad went out for cigarettes 8 years ago & finally came back.
He said he was in the desert with his camels.
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
One my dad told me a few days ago
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? But most only have four.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
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︎ Nov 02 2020
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I canβt believe itβs not better.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
I should've gone to bed at least 30 minutes ago...
But I suppose everybody's hindsight is 2020.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
2 years ago I went to Halloween as ThanOS
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︎ Nov 23 2020
Three years ago I married my best friend...
My girlfriend was angry but Dave and I thought it was hilarious!
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︎ Dec 01 2020
Imade a similar one a few days ago bit i fpund more squirrels
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Dad: "I can't believe 2007 was 10 years ago."
Kid: "It wasn't..."
Dad: "I know. That's why I don't believe it."
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︎ Nov 04 2020
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
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︎ May 06 2020
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me 5 years ago, and today I asked to break up...
When she left, she gave back the $100 exactly. I lost interest in that relationship.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Drew this a while ago...
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︎ Oct 01 2020
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared βStop the count!β after Biden started making gains but Trump still couldβve shocked the world wouldβve been...
βTrumpβs Not Down For the Countβ
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︎ Nov 06 2020
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture.
It was just a hunch.
I talked to her about it, turns out I was wrong, and I stand corrected.
Iβm really not sure what I was all bent out of shape about.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
I had a girlfriend years ago that had a passion for light switches
It was an on/off relationship
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︎ Nov 21 2020
just came across this pun thread from an eternity ago, seriously,, it was worth Peru-sing
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︎ Aug 27 2020
With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:
Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.
Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.
Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.
(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)
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︎ Dec 04 2020
Leia: βYears ago you served my father in the Clone Wars...β
Dad: βWas her father a turkey?β
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Took a pretty good picture of the meteor shower a few days ago.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
My wifes bank card was stolen 3 days ago.
So far they have spent less than her everyday, so I'm not saying anything.
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︎ Aug 31 2020
10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work.
I haven't touched a job since.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australiaβs only export.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
It wasnβt much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.
But now I can look back and laugh.
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︎ Aug 24 2020
This just happened like 2 minutes ago and my dad is creased at himself
My mam saw a channel on the telly called the Deja Vu channel so she asked my dad what it was.
He replied with βIβm not sure but I swear Iβve seen it beforeβ
Heβs now pissing himself laughing and mam doesnβt get it
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︎ Aug 17 2020
I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and itβs changed my life forever.
I havenβt looked back since
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︎ Sep 29 2020
A while ago, someone forgot their bread at the store. So I ran it out to them and said
βExcuse me sir, I think you focaccia bread!β
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︎ Sep 21 2020
A couple days ago i was looking at a fractal
Sadly i never got to see the end of it
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︎ Sep 15 2020
I went to a wedding a few weeks ago for two antennas.
The ceremony was decent, but the reception was amazing!
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︎ Oct 31 2020
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
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︎ Oct 20 2020
A long time ago, I translated pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
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︎ Nov 02 2020
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can't part with it.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
2 years ago my doctor told me Iβd go deaf
I havenβt heard from him since.
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︎ Nov 13 2020
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just canβt part with it.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
I lost all my hair years ago, but I still carry a comb.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
I was having dinner a few minutes ago, and I came to the conclusion that tofu is really overrated.
Itβs just a curd to me.
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︎ Oct 20 2020
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