Saw this earlier today lmao
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo....
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
I took a picture of my son sleeping earlier today.
Then I sent the picture to the FBI as evidence of a kid napping.
Earlier my friend used to play Badminton but then he got some training. Now he plays Goodminton.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop boobies around the age of thirteen...
...and boys develop them around the age of forty…
I went to the bathroom earlier today and forgot my phone
It was a shitty experience
I was arrested earlier for stealing helium balloons.
The cops held me for a while, then let go .
I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
My daughter gave me some model clay earlier.
I didn’t know what to make of it.
My dad did this earlier
He said, "I gotta P"
I assumed he meant piss but he pulled out a Piece of paper that had the letter P on it and handed to me
Then he said, "Now you gotta P"
I'm still laughing
Edit: he did this and in front of my family and made me laugh my ass off
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
TIL the first photo was not from 1826, but in fact over 2000 years earlier in ancient egypt:
"The earliest example of a prosthesis ever discovered is not a leg, arm, or even a fake eye, it’s a toe. A big toe, belonging to a noblewoman, was found in Egypt and dated to between 950-710 B.C.E"
...the very, very first faux toe ;)
Non pun related, the egyptians were the first to grind lenses too, not used as glasses but instead inserted into statues for creepy eye effects
Inspired by an earlier post about bacteria
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
I was reading a novel earlier when my daughter came up to me and asked why the book was so thick.
I bought a puppy from a blacksmith earlier
Right away when we got home he made a bolt for the door.
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
Saw a deal earlier to stay on a canal boat but I was worried about covid situation
There's bound to be a lock down there
I was backing out of the parking lot earlier when I backed into a car! The driver was only 3 feet tall....!
He got out of the car and started waving his hands above his head! He kept yelling "I'm not Happy, I'm not Happy!"
So, I got out and yelled back, "Well, which one are you!?"
I was playing football with my younger cousin earlier today
Unfortunately, I kicked it too hard and it broke the window.
We called the repair guy and, apparently when he came two hours later, the window was still in pane.
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian...
It was the least I could do for him.
I feel like I've regressed to an earlier age because of all the social distancing.
Saw this at the grocery store earlier today
I was talking to my mate earlier...
when I thought to myself "why the fuck are you called Earlier?"
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked.
I am sorry. So, so sorry...
My Fiancée was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
Went stargazing earlier, “Is that NEOWISE?”
I created a new post earlier but received loads of hateful comments...
Now I've got post traumatic stress
Earlier today I was working on a new house in town...
I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the next day, and they were all gone. I decided to speak to the contractor, and when I told him about the posts, he said “Oh, yeah. There’s tons of reposting on this site.”
I bought these textured gloves earlier but got a tiny bit of blue paint on them
Guess you could say I’m feeling a little blue
Told my dad I had a migraine earlier...
He replied “I hope it doesn’t turn into a yourgraine because I don’t want it”... thanks dad.
I heard a Coronavirus joke earlier...
You probably won’t get it.
I tried watching Edward Scissorhands earlier. Turned out it was just a video of Tim Burton getting his hair done.
I then realised I'd picked up the director's cut
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
I started to count in Japanese earlier...
Yeah, I had an itchy knee.
Earlier today, I witnessed a kid napping downtown where I work...
...but I just let him sleep. Didn’t seem right to bother the boy.
I looked at the clock earlier and it read 1:44
Did you hear that John Lennon airport went into quarantine earlier?
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
An investigation has been launched after a midget was pickpocketed earlier today.
Police are wondering how someone could stoop so low.
I made a LEGO pun earlier.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…
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