Ago Puns

It will be a very sad day when Kevin Bacon dies.

Inflation.

... and as you can see, they were Wright

But I don't like talking about my checkered past.

But I'm dead serious

It’s just a curd to me.

He just can't part with it.

My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby

I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"

Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.

BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!

Old but gold

I just had two paws for a moment

The lady at the vet: “what’s his name?”

Me: “The shelter told me his name is Toby”

Her: “Well, what does he think his name is?”

Me: “........ Kunte Kinte”

She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.

I was involved in very organized crime

The amount of legs they had was astounding.

.....the mammothematician.

Because what he made was stolen!

Turns out, they were Wright.

I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field

I didn't expect it but he took a fence.

The stables have turned!

First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')

My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"

Our relationship went downhill fast.

Had a strong opener at the time but now it’s two week

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

So I bought my mom a parrot as a gift. A week later I ask her how the parrot was. She said “It was delicious!” I said to her “What?! Why would you eat it? It’s a talking parrot!” My mom replies “Well it should have said something then.”

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

I haven’t heard from him since.

I can’t believe it’s not better.

Our wives are still mad about it but we were drunk and thought it was funny

Something just doesn't add up.

I didn’t like it then, but it is starting to grow on me

Rüdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "Rüdoff det røde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, Rüdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but Rüdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

Rüdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet? But most only have four.

The bitch took all the other box sets.

He makes a bundle!

Kid: "It wasn't..."

Dad: "I know. That's why I don't believe it."

He just can't part with it.

He just can’t part with it.

I didn't expect it but he took a fence.

It’s just a curd to me.

I haven’t heard from him since.