There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.

And then you will all be sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I have an irrational fear of over-designed buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NosebleedSuicide
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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At least he won't turn over in his grave.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainbowarriorhere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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"I'm coming over"
πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Bend5385
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
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I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

I won't lie, it was a rocky road.

πŸ‘︎ 313
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jgfum
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...

....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b_wanker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Are you seriously over the moon?
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolemercy
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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What watches over a castle when the sun goes down?

A night

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/troutslayer12
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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My wife caught me playing with my son's train set. I was so embarrassed, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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My girlfriend left me over my obsession with Blink-182.

She said it was all the small things.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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Move over BLM, make way for DLM.

Dyslexic lives mattress

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I am at the waiting room of the doctor’s office, wondering when my girlfriend’s checkup will be over.

Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best

I won.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spwf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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I had a glass statue of Captain Kirk. My dog ran by and knocked it over and it broke.

William Shattered

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NerdyAsian12
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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My wife threatened to leave me over my bad sense of direction... I beat her to it though.

I packed up my stuff and right!

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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The two men stared intensely at each other over the chessboard, neither one making a move. Suddenly, one of the men gasped in horror and shouted, "How is this possible? You must be taught by the Soviets!"

The other smirked and replied, "Czech, mate."

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Over heard a customer at my store say β€œOK we’re done let’s hit the road”

I butted in and said don’t do that it’ll hurt.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/insanotard
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!

It's crazy but it's Trudeau

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Telusion
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop," Where's your passenger?"

Me, "Due to Social Distancing, he's in the car right behind me."

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
8 months in and I finally got a good dad joke over the weekend.

In the subdivision where I live there are 2 open fields with cows in each one, one of those fields is being turned into a sports complex. My friends were wondering where the cows would go and one of them suggested that they would just have all the cows in one field, to which I replied β€œwell then it would just be overCOWded”

Thanks guys

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LackingDatSkill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend is an amateur boxer, but his combinations are all over the place due to him being unable to understand his trainer, who has a lisp.

Thumping's not quite right

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Antigravfraggle
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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A clumsy employee knocked over his boss’s coffee cans and wasted all his coffee.

It was grounds for dismissal!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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It carried over into real life, too!
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a butterfly on the ground with no wings, so I poured Red Bull all over it.....And Bam !!!!

IT DROWNED.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?

He said it was because I committed a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 372
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get over a fear of elevators?

Just take some steps to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ifruitninja
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer

Now he can processor.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Did you hear about that guy who got run over by a steam train?

He was chuffed to bits

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
How do others know when you’re finally over something?

Usually by the closure wearing.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife started making art by putting paint on her wheels and driving them all over the canvas.

not to brag, but they all look like van Gogh's

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...

It’s my retirement hedge fund.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...

Always trying to get the symphony vote.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T33NW01F
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was young I was a graffiti artist and had my name all over the city but as I got older I thought "This has to stop".

"The writing's on the wall."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Saw a 70's t.v. program about 2 detectives who solve crimes over the phone.

Star Key and Hash.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My 14 year old dropped this one on me - I am so proud: two snare drums and a cymbal fall over a cliff...

Budd-a Ching!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bjazmoore
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Driving over a crossing, I told my son a train had just went through

It left its tracks

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihatemeatloaf0620
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend owns a winery and his wine was picked over others in a wine tasting competition by only one trait...

He won by a nose!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
my crush came over to play with legos

it was a good way to build a relationship

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..

.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.

(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plantborb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Pulled over

(my first attempt, please have mercy)

Cop: Sir I need you to blow in this breathalyzer.
Driver: I can't, I'm an asthmatic

Cop: Then I need to do a blood draw.
Driver: I can't, I'm an hemophiliac

Cop: then I need to ask you to step out of the vehicle and walk in a straight line
Driver: I can't, I'm drunk.

Ok, I leave now....

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olivewa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Met a beautiful girl over Spring Break in Mexico, but she constantly talked about the end of the world.

She had Acapulco-lips.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?

A stamp

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmic_Fox_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 790
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMMOPOWER
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report

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