I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.
Good players are hard to find.
We successfully went back in time and got Isaac Newton and Shakespeare to complete each other's research
Now my high school kid wants me to remind him of Newton's 3rd law of emotion
What do you call a finance minister who successfully completes his term in the office? BUCK-MINSTER-FULLER-RENE
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!
He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”
Just happened: my contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation
He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.
My transformation is almost complete
So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)
Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"
My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"
...Pls send help
Not the best, but not a complete "waist" of money
Why can’t pirates complete the alphabet song?
Because they get lost at C
My complete jerk of a brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer!
Dad calls him "Chop Suey."
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
My date canceled because I told her I am a complete dick.
I just meant I'm uncircumcised.
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?"
"A cereal killer" she replied.
I have taught her well.
My parents took me to a child psychologist once, but that was a complete disaster.
The kid was only six years old.
[In a courtroom] Lawyer: Judge, you a complete moron are!!
Judge: That’s out of order.
This one’s for all those avid readers of the complete joke...
I saw some people building a new bridge near me and every lunch break, they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins…
It was very civil engineering…
Why was the miner so determined to complete digging on a second plot of land?
Because he had one tract mined.
Two wind turbines were standing around, complete silence except for the wind, when one asks the other, "Hey, what kind of music do like?" The other one thinks for a few revolutions and says,
"I'm a really big heavy metal fan."
I sometimes speak in complete sentences.
Other times, incomplete sentences.
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
My brother and I are very competitive at work but exactly alike. What takes me 3 months to complete, my brother . . .
Why couldn't the trapeze artist complete a full somersaulting transfer in mid-air?
Because he didn't give a flying flip.
I had to have complete control to take this picture
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
I got an email that said "You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details."
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
I got an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom, and to my COMPLETE surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
Every molecule in my body came to a complete stop earlier.
I used to be a complete idiot.
But then, I lost a leg, wisened up and became an incomplete idiot.
He's a complete basket case
When a Japanese fry cook completes his training he's presented with a Hibachilor's Degree.
I tried chicken farming once, but i was a complete failure.
Not sure if I buried them too deep, or too far apart.
My work is complete....
We were at the dinner table with my adult children and my son said he was teaching his physics class the concept of simple machines. He had given the class a brief intro about their usefulness and how they can be found everywhere. Then he asked the students to come up with all the examples they could think of.
My daughter, barely containing herself to wait for a pause in the conversation, said with only the slightest of grins, "So the lesson would be 50 ways to love your lever?"
My dadness has been passed on. Nothing left for me to do here.
A complete set of instructions for riding an escalator:
If I linked enough watches together to make a belt, it would be a complete waist of time.
What is the first thing an astronomer does to complete a task?
Astronomers got tired of measuring the time taken for the earth to complete a full rotation of its axis.
So they decided to call it a day.
What do you call people who complete their tasks in time and have no trouble with deadlines?
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
My grandfather passed away before he could complete his collection of stuffed marshland birds.
I used to have the complete Agatha Christie collectionbut this morning I woke up to find that half of it was missing. I looked everywhere but couldn't find them and it was driving me mad...
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete disaster.
Good players are hard to find.
I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
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