My moms putting curtains up. Perfect pun opportunity.
Mom: “Matthew! Can you grab the screws please?”
Me: “Oh screw this.”
Mom: “Can you grab some nails?”
Me: “Yup.” Sees the curtains up “Oh wow you’re really nailing it.”
Mom: “The drills on the counter. Would you mind...”
Me: “Don’t worry. I know the drill by now.”
My boss set me up with the perfect pun! [x-post /r/dadjokes]
He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.
"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!
So you find the perfect Asian gal, you get up the courage to speak to her, you walk over and start small talk, you ask her name, and you find out...
On January 1st 2021, we'll have perfect 2020 hindsight
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
A quote from my dad: “so you’re going to the doctors... but that’s actually the perfect time to go to the dentist... 2:30.... because tooth hurty *poses* dad jokes!”
Word for word what he said because he just said it a moment ago
I found the perfect password solution
I use the date of birth of a person I know. For example from Margarete von Henneberg. Nobody knows her. So how should someone get my password 1234?
Neurologist said my brain was perfect!
He said it looked like it had never been used!
(True story, that. Meaning that he said it. I'm guessing it's something he enjoys saying to people who he doesn't have to give bad or concerning news to.)
How many beans do you need to make the perfect bean soup?
239.
Because one more would be too farty.
I had the perfect joke about french meals
it's unbrielievably cheesy
I finally managed to take the perfect nude and felt comfortable sending it to my wife
My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!
Good pun, perfect comments/likes. I love it.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
If you tell me what my idea of a perfect date is...
I personally think it's DD/MM/YY. The rest are a bit confusing.
Did you know: in boxing, it’s extremely important to have perfect form when going against a new fighter...
because the fist impression is everything.
What's your idea for a perfect date?
MM/DD/YYYY. I find other formats confusing.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
I wanted to buy the perfect Vincent Van Gogh costume for a Halloween party, but I couldn't find one.
They were all ear-regular.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..
But they concluded a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
One of my friends brags all the time that he can make a perfect circle
Why does programmers have perfect vision?
Nobody is perfect.
But my crush is perfect.
So my crush is Nobody.
Nobody loves me.
My crush loves me!
What’s the perfect first date?
A almost perfect cylindirt
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season
I have a very well groomed garden ornament that perpetually rocks back and forth in perfect rhythm
My wife’s body is perfect in every way except that she wears glasses.
It’s okay though. I’m willing to look past that.
What’s the perfect name to give to your first sim?
There’s this coin wrapper that can roll any coin: pennies, nickels, dimes etc. Just roll it up to a marked spot and voila, a perfect roll.
My favorite wrapper is the fifty cent piece
2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can’t wait to see them all
Perfect for cooking circles. ⭕️
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, “NO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack responded, “And you will dialogue.”
How to ensure the perfect dad joke:
Make sure it's fully groan.
Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...
And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"
It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..
But a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better.
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