Mom: βMatthew! Can you grab the screws please?β
Me: βOh screw this.β
Mom: βCan you grab some nails?β
Me: βYup.β Sees the curtains up βOh wow youβre really nailing it.β
Mom: βThe drills on the counter. Would you mind...β
Me: βDonβt worry. I know the drill by now.β
He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.
"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!
They can C++
In fact, you could say that they are Canon Fodder.
It took a long time, but she finally honed her Kraft.
It's a fitting room.
They'll never say a word
I tick all the right boxes.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
It was as big as the last two combined!
The mortician asked the deceasedβs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heβs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says βI donβt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.β The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, βwhatever this costs Iβm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iβm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?β To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says βthereβs no charge.β Shocked she replies βno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.β βHonestly maβamβ, the mortician says, βit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.β
It was the pizza de resistance.
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
Because it's sΟder we're talking about.
Would it now be an Edison?
239.
Because one more would be too farty.
I use the date of birth of a person I know. For example from Margarete von Henneberg. Nobody knows her. So how should someone get my password 1234?
He said it looked like it had never been used!
(True story, that. Meaning that he said it. I'm guessing it's something he enjoys saying to people who he doesn't have to give bad or concerning news to.)
it's unbrielievably cheesy
My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
Me: "Yes, I have one that's just under two."
Blonde: "I may be blonde, but I know how many one is!!'
I would rate it 10/10
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
it's a naan stick pan
They most certainly have floss.
They have to fit the Bill.
I personally think it's DD/MM/YY. The rest are a bit confusing.
because the fist impression is everything.
MM/DD/YYYY. I find other formats confusing.
They were all ear-regular.
I honestly canβt remember a single time Iβve ever forgotten anything.
Use a lighter
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
