Picture perfect pun
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︎ Jun 12 2020
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︎ Jul 16 2019
My moms putting curtains up. Perfect pun opportunity.
Mom: βMatthew! Can you grab the screws please?β
Me: βOh screw this.β
Mom: βCan you grab some nails?β
Me: βYup.β Sees the curtains up βOh wow youβre really nailing it.β
Mom: βThe drills on the counter. Would you mind...β
Me: βDonβt worry. I know the drill by now.β
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︎ Oct 22 2019
perfect pun
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︎ Jul 17 2019
My boss set me up with the perfect pun! [x-post /r/dadjokes]
He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.
"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!
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︎ Aug 17 2016
The perfect date
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︎ Oct 29 2020
On January 1st 2021, we'll have perfect 2020 hindsight
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︎ Dec 02 2020
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
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︎ Oct 30 2020
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
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︎ May 14 2020
A quote from my dad: βso youβre going to the doctors... but thatβs actually the perfect time to go to the dentist... 2:30.... because tooth hurty *poses* dad jokes!β
Word for word what he said because he just said it a moment ago
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︎ Dec 11 2020
I found the perfect password solution
I use the date of birth of a person I know. For example from Margarete von Henneberg. Nobody knows her. So how should someone get my password 1234?
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︎ Dec 01 2020
Neurologist said my brain was perfect!
He said it looked like it had never been used!
(True story, that. Meaning that he said it. I'm guessing it's something he enjoys saying to people who he doesn't have to give bad or concerning news to.)
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︎ Nov 11 2020
How many beans do you need to make the perfect bean soup?
239.
Because one more would be too farty.
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︎ Aug 25 2020
I had the perfect joke about french meals
it's unbrielievably cheesy
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︎ Nov 09 2020
I finally managed to take the perfect nude and felt comfortable sending it to my wife
My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Good pun, perfect comments/likes. I love it.
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︎ Jun 15 2020
Today is a perfect day
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︎ Oct 10 2020
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
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︎ Oct 07 2020
If you tell me what my idea of a perfect date is...
I personally think it's DD/MM/YY. The rest are a bit confusing.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Did you know: in boxing, itβs extremely important to have perfect form when going against a new fighter...
because the fist impression is everything.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
What's your idea for a perfect date?
MM/DD/YYYY. I find other formats confusing.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
The perfect couple
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︎ Aug 26 2020
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
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︎ Feb 06 2020
I wanted to buy the perfect Vincent Van Gogh costume for a Halloween party, but I couldn't find one.
They were all ear-regular.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
Stop looking for the perfect match..
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︎ Sep 06 2020
It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..
But they concluded a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly canβt remember a single time Iβve ever forgotten anything.
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︎ Apr 05 2020
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
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︎ May 10 2020
One of my friends brags all the time that he can make a perfect circle
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︎ Jun 26 2020
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︎ Jul 13 2020
Why does programmers have perfect vision?
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︎ Jul 02 2020
Nobody is perfect.
But my crush is perfect.
So my crush is Nobody.
Nobody loves me.
My crush loves me!
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︎ Jul 25 2020
Whatβs the perfect first date?
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︎ May 21 2020
A almost perfect cylindirt
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︎ May 22 2020
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chefβs squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguiniβs voice of season
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︎ Jul 11 2020
Truly perfect on Reddit
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︎ Jun 02 2020
I have a very well groomed garden ornament that perpetually rocks back and forth in perfect rhythm
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︎ Jul 11 2020
My wifeβs body is perfect in every way except that she wears glasses.
Itβs okay though. Iβm willing to look past that.
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︎ Jul 21 2020
Whatβs the perfect name to give to your first sim?
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︎ May 14 2020
Thereβs this coin wrapper that can roll any coin: pennies, nickels, dimes etc. Just roll it up to a marked spot and voila, a perfect roll.
My favorite wrapper is the fifty cent piece
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︎ May 29 2020
2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I canβt wait to see them all
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︎ Dec 31 2019
Perfect for cooking circles. βοΈ
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︎ Mar 01 2020
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, βNO! Donβt chop me down! Iβm a talking tree!β
The lumberjack responded, βAnd you will dialogue.β
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︎ May 16 2020
How to ensure the perfect dad joke:
Make sure it's fully groan.
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︎ Jun 10 2020
Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...
And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"
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︎ Mar 08 2020
It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..
But a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better.
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︎ Jul 20 2020
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