When 2 things just work together perfectly they're a
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︎ Apr 05 2021
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that itβs perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but heβs not buying it. In fact...
Heβs still making fun of me...
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︎ Apr 03 2021
My local clothing store has an area set aside to try on clothes that is perfectly placed in the store...
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︎ Feb 06 2021
How do you make sure your drug deals remain perfectly neutral?
You drop acid and touch base!
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I found out today that I perfectly match the profile of the type of person who spoils their ballot paper.
I tick all the right boxes.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Ever wonder how spider makes a circle-shaped web perfectly?
Because it's sΟder we're talking about.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Perfectly balanced, as all things should be
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 10 2020
I imagine when Microsoft's co-founder Mr.Gates gets a suit tailored, they must fit him perfectly.
They have to fit the Bill.
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︎ Oct 14 2020
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
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︎ Jan 14 2020
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
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︎ Aug 02 2020
Arguing over current events is perfectly natural, but thereβs a time and a place.
It makes people uncomfortable when they see you mask debating in public.
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︎ Aug 07 2020
Tech tip: Itβs dangerous to download βCome Sail Awayβ or βSatisfactionβ on ITunes. βTurn, Turn, Turnβ is perfectly fine however.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
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︎ Apr 05 2018
I once saw a little guy with a red pointy hat riding the D.C. subway, listening to some music, tapping his toes perfectly in time with the beat
He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Mods are asleep, upvote perfectly cut screen
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︎ Oct 25 2019
Pizza place played puns perfectly
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︎ Jun 06 2019
Wanted to share a funny Dad joke my wife perfectly set up for me, today.
My wife and I were visiting Bass Pro Shop today and I noticed there were some ducks in the pond outside of the building. I pointed them out to my wife who, upon noticing them bobbing up and down in the water, asked me what they were doing. Without missing a beat I replied "They're Ducking."
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︎ Jan 19 2020
Perfectly in sink.
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︎ Feb 20 2019
I went on a date with a woman. Things were going perfectly.
She said, "This is the best date I've ever had."
"Me too," I replied.
She said, "Pinch my arm to make sure that it's real."
So I pinched it and said, "Yes, that is definitely an arm."
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︎ Jul 11 2018
Why would someone throw away this perfectly good cowch
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 29 2019
Doing it perfectly right
π︎ 12
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︎ May 12 2019
I drew a 90Β° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
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︎ Jan 27 2019
I was tuning a guitar. While doing this one of the stings snapped in half perfectly. I took one half and stretched It out. I managed to get it on. One problem though. As soon as I played it shot straight to the ceiling.
Iβd never heard or seen such a high note.
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︎ Dec 18 2018
Perfectly balanced.
π︎ 30
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︎ Aug 04 2018
(X post) I made Earl Grey perfectly today.
Right on the T as they say.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 18 2018
My wife set me up perfectly
Last night while we were out running errands, we drove by this place that had a bunch of little storage sheds on display outside. Right next to this business was a karate school.
My wife says, "Why would the karate school have all of those sheds in front of it?"
I respond, "Honey, those sheds are square. If they belonged to the karate school, they would be round-houses."
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︎ Sep 17 2014
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︎ Mar 22 2019
Why does Tom demand his egg cooked with a perfectly circular yolk?
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︎ Jan 09 2018
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︎ Mar 16 2018
Shredded cheese is perfectly safe for children.
π︎ 39
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︎ Nov 20 2017
My friend, Pal, is perfectly symmetrical and lives in Rome.
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︎ Aug 19 2018
What firearm is used to perfectly season food?
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 22 2016
The punch line might tie in perfectly with the joke...
π︎ 36
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︎ Jan 19 2014
I spent an hour placing containers of liquid next to each other perfectly
I wanted flawless jugstaposition.
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 04 2016
If you want to get the best PokΓ©mon, you have to try to sneeze as perfectly as possible.
It's ideal to get Peak Achoo.
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︎ Jun 22 2018
My sister set me up so perfectly.
She just bought a condo, and texted me that the freezer already stopped working. I responded back to her, "That's not cool".
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︎ Jul 08 2015
Wife set me up perfectly
I came home from work the other night and as I walk in Better Man by Pearl Jam is on the stereo, and my wife is setting out a nice juicy steak for me.
I looked her right in the eye's and told her truthfully that "It doesn't get Eddie Veder than this"
She punched my shoulder...
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︎ Aug 27 2017
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants
but he's still making fun of me
π︎ 53
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︎ Jul 11 2020
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that itβs perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pantsβ¦
But heβs not buying it.
In fact, heβs still making fun of me.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 27 2017
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
π︎ 89
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︎ Oct 12 2019
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants
but heβs still poking fun at me.
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 24 2019
Tech tip: Itβs dangerous to download βCome Sail Awayβ or βSatisfactionβ. Itβs perfectly safe to download βTurn, Turn, Turnβ
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but Byrds will never hurt you.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jun 09 2019
I tried to explain to my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidently poo your pants...
She didn't buy it, she's still making fun of me.
π︎ 38
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︎ May 28 2018
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