Perfective Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

Mom: “Matthew! Can you grab the screws please?”

Me: “Oh screw this.”

Mom: “Can you grab some nails?”

Me: “Yup.” Sees the curtains up “Oh wow you’re really nailing it.”

Mom: “The drills on the counter. Would you mind...”

Me: “Don’t worry. I know the drill by now.”

He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.

"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!

The last two are Portuguese.

It's my masterpizza.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

"Well I don't give a f* what you think"

Sword

In fact, you could say that they are Canon Fodder.

It took a long time, but she finally honed her Kraft.

It's a fitting room.

You drop acid and touch base!

They'll never say a word

I tick all the right boxes.

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

It was as big as the last two combined!

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

It was the pizza de resistance.

Because it's sπder we're talking about.

I told her to just let it go

Would it now be an Edison?

239.

Because one more would be too farty.

I use the date of birth of a person I know. For example from Margarete von Henneberg. Nobody knows her. So how should someone get my password 1234?

He said it looked like it had never been used!

(True story, that. Meaning that he said it. I'm guessing it's something he enjoys saying to people who he doesn't have to give bad or concerning news to.)

I replied, "Well tell him he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

it's unbrielievably cheesy

My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!

it's a naan stick pan

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

I would rate it 10/10

They most certainly have floss.