This is shear perfection. v.redd.it/ojkpxaujts041
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Who improved the art of stealing to perfection?

Rob Boss.

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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Not sure if this was here before, but I can't ignore perfection
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asgore45
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Picture perfect pun
πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eewoJ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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Perfect fit and perfect pun v.redd.it/szp4h2hdxla31
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/General-Snorlax
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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perfect pun
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dweb21
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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My moms putting curtains up. Perfect pun opportunity.

Mom: β€œMatthew! Can you grab the screws please?”

Me: β€œOh screw this.”

Mom: β€œCan you grab some nails?”

Me: β€œYup.” Sees the curtains up β€œOh wow you’re really nailing it.”

Mom: β€œThe drills on the counter. Would you mind...”

Me: β€œDon’t worry. I know the drill by now.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/demonwithfries
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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My boss set me up with the perfect pun! [x-post /r/dadjokes]

He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.

"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!

A gummy bear.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCKANNON
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Perfect game.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thegip11
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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When 2 things just work together perfectly they're a
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_The_2nd_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but he’s not buying it. In fact...

He’s still making fun of me...

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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What is a good job for a fish that has perfect pitch?

Guitar tuna

Sorry, this is really bad even by dad joke standards.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sf340flier
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Guys, today I created the perfect sandwich!

Dutch crunch, ham, turkey, provolone, tomato, sprouts, and honey mustard.

Oh, sorry, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatkidskinnyjeans
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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My friend has the perfect plan, he says we can travel to the sun...

We just have to go at night

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dsgorman
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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The perfect place to cross.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/outbackjoejack
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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What’s the perfect name for a baby boy who’s half white, half Indian?

Rajer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Winterhats
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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Ms Wilson, Australian star of the Pitch Perfect movies has announced she no longer believes in Santa.

She is a Rebel without a Claus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kouroshkeshavarz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I have 10 pet geese,out of which 8 speak perfect English.

The last two are Portuguese.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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My girlfriend is a square root of -100

Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Today I made the perfect pizza.

It's my masterpizza.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeromaroo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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The perfect date
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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What is the perfect 's' word

Sword

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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These repeating musical notes are just perfect for my composition...

In fact, you could say that they are Canon Fodder.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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My wife spent years perfecting blue box macaroni and cheese.

It took a long time, but she finally honed her Kraft.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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How do you make a Lamborghini?

You get a Sheeporghini and a Ramborghini to fall in love.

My 12-year-old daughter and I came up with this one together.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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A perfect dad joke for the beach... /r/Jokes/comments/lhl1p8/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJSummit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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My local clothing store has an area set aside to try on clothes that is perfectly placed in the store...

It's a fitting room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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A mime is the perfect partner in crime

They'll never say a word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lilbob628
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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How do you make sure your drug deals remain perfectly neutral?

You drop acid and touch base!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiRRoundNotSquare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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I found out today that I perfectly match the profile of the type of person who spoils their ballot paper.

I tick all the right boxes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef

A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!

The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.

The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.

The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.

The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppardee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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On January 1st 2021, we'll have perfect 2020 hindsight
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarlSaganIsDead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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This year's Fibonacci Convention was a great success.

It was as big as the last two combined!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdb12345
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.

It was very tense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cuddlemath
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.

It was the pizza de resistance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaelTadh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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How did the Romans make sure they nailed Jesus to the cross in exactly the right place?

they drilled a Pilate hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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