Stainless steal
The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, “If you want a good spot in the line up, you’ll have to suck up to the club manager.”
“No way! I’m no brown noser. In fact, I’m writing this into my next routine, that’ll show her.”
He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.
The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the club’s manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.
The old comedian was astonished and asked, “What happened?”
“Well I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissed”
Me on the phone with my dad - "I got a cat!"
Dad - "What's it's name?"
Me - "Susan."
Dad - "So it's a girl?"
Me - "Of course...her name's Susan. Do you think I'd name a boy cat Susan?"
Dad - "No...I suppose that if it was a boy, it would B. Anthony."
Good one, Dad...
Uncle was showing me the new laptop he had purchased. I was giving him some tips on Windows 8 and certain apps he could download.
He commented on a hole in the drywall near his desk:
Uncle, "Is there an app that can fix holes in drywall?"
Me, "No...you'll have to download a patch."
Pause. Groan. Laughter.
I was so proud.
An actual dad joke from about an hour ago. He delivered it flawlessly.
My dad holds up the empty bread basket to the waiter and, with a serious face, says "this bread, we have naan."
My parents were over last night, and I was in the process of curing some duck breasts for Christmas. I was trimming the skin when my dad walked over.
"What are you doing there, son?"
"Curing this duck."
"I don't know if you can cure it. It looks dead to me."
Dammit, dad! Flawless execution.
I wanted flawless jugstaposition.
Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.
Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.
On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.
The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.
The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr
Long story short, I yelled out that I thought this girl was hot, and I was already friends with a girl she was with. So she messaged me on facebook, and told me to talk to her. To find her on FB I had to know what her last name was, right?
>Me: What's her last name?
> Her: Long.
> Me: How long is it?
A perfect setup, a flawless execution.
